Sections

Martin's stupid `Bilko' misfires

The death knell for that era of exceptional Steve Martin films seems to have sounded with the release of "Sgt. Bilko," the most pathetic excuse for movie comedy in an extremely long time.

Recycled from a 1950s' television series barely remembered by anyone under the age of 50, "Sgt. Bilko" is the story of the antics of smooth, gambling-obsessed con man Ernie Bilko, as he oversees the motor pool at Fort Baxter.

The motor pool is more like a betting pool, with incessant, diverse games of chance, such as dog racing, roulette and tug-of-war with a horse. Inhabiting this motor pool company are varied corrupt misfits who fit easily into stereotypical military categories: The naive, headstrong rookie, the sassy second-in-command, the overweight soldier and even the guy (Max Casella) who played Vinnie from "Doogie Howser!"

Bilko presides over his platoon like an innkeeper rather than a sergeant, providing his men and women with extended sleeping hours, plush accommodations and many forms of amusement, claiming that even the Army needs recreation.

Monitoring Bilko to keep him in line is the dim-witted Colonel Hall (Dan Aykroyd), who is about as good a supervisor as Bilko. Blinded by childish happiness and Bilko's lies, Hall neglects to notice the illegal activity occurring right in front of him.

With no regulations to weigh him and his soldiers down, Bilko cruises through life until his old nemesis, Major Thorn (Phil Hartman), arrives. Thorn is a conniving weasel of an officer, attempting to strike vengeance upon Bilko for ruining his career many years earlier.

Sent by the Pentagon to survey the progress of a new weapon at the base, Major Thorn brings with him a team of accountants to try and catch Bilko in his embezzlement of the Army.

Thrown into the unentertaining mix is the scathingly annoying Glenne Headly, of "Dick Tracy" and "Mr. Holland's Opus" fame, as Rita Robbins, Bilko's long-suffering girlfriend, who also cannot resist a good gamble.

From the moment this dull film begins, it is obvious that Sgt. Bilko and his crew of losers will prevail, making the film not just tedious, but also thoroughly predictable.

Directed by formerly admirable director Jonathan Lynn, who gave the world such superior comedies as "Clue" and "My Cousin Vinny," the film attempts to walk the tightrope of screwball comedy but ultimately ends up falling flat on its face.

There is absolutely nothing original or innovative about the meaningless "Sgt. Bilko." The film rehashes imagery from "M*A*S*H" and "Private Benjamin"; its minimal special effects are not very special; and the script by Andy Breckman, who also wrote forgettable trash like "IQ" and "Arthur 2: On the Rocks," is a mess of cliches and old jokes that is about as enjoyable as a funeral home. In fact, funeral homes are more fulfilling -- at least there is free coffee and something worthwhile to discuss.

Slightly redeeming this film, obviously only made in the interest of turning a profit, is Phil Hartman, who was the unsung hero of "Saturday Night Live" for eight years and now delivers much of the humor on "Newsradio." Hartman does well playing the malicious bad guy in a world full of "nincompoops" and "boobs" ... yes, the film actually uses those expressions.

As numerous characters in "Sgt. Bilko" use the militaristic cry of "Hoo-Ahh," popularized by Al Pacino in "Scent Of A Woman," that Soup Nazi episode of "Seinfeld" came to mind. Along those same strict, culinary lines, "Sgt. Bilko," being inane, unnecessary and insulting to the intelligence of American moviegoers, gets no soup.