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Finally -- a decision all of us can live with

In case you missed it, the Michigan Athletic Department decided Saturday not to make women's crew a varsity sport. This is a truly stunning move, as it reverses the University's recent trend toward balancing athletic scholarships along gender lines.

To the rest of the local media, this story did not warrant much attention because of what seemed to be Michigan's motivation for dropping the would-be sport. Ostensibly, the University just decided that there isn't enough interest in crew to transform it from club to varsity -- pretty tame stuff, and hardly front-page material.

This reporter, however, wasn't satisfied. Though I personally agree with the decision, I thought there was something more to it than that.

What I found is what you've been finding out about me all year -- I was right.

Besides their fading desire to make women equal on the playing fields, I found that officials in the Athletic Department have an increasing distaste for the weaker sex in general.

"Now don't go printing this in the paper," Athletic Director Joe Roberson said, prompting me to turn on my tape recorder, "but I'll be hornswaggled if I give another scholarship to another girl. I mean, they can't even throw a baseball right."

Of course, no one's asking them to play baseball; women's crew is the issue here. But on that issue, the University has made up its mind -- the only "women's crew" on this campus will be in the form of a sorority.

Instead, the University plans to grant usage of the Huron River, as well as all of the club's boats, to the football team. The football Wolverines will use the equipment and facility as part of a new training regimen.

"The girls can come watch, though," football coach Lloyd Carr said.

The Athletic Department echoes Carr's sentiment. It might not want the girls around, but it's sure not going to just forget about them.

All of the scholarships set aside for crew will continue to go to women -- just in other ways. In the future, the monies will be directed toward helping women study executive assistance, clerical science and, of course, knitting.

"We admire their drive," Roberson said. "We just think they should refocus it."

So, too, has the Athletic Department fine-tuned its stance on gender equity. The University still intends to comply someday; now, however, it's going to go about it a little differently.

Michigan will no longer classify athletes as male simply because they have external plumbing. Now, teams will evaluate their players on a yearly basis and then reclassify the poorer half of them as girls.

The message is clear: From now on, to be a man, you've got to play like a man.

"How's that for motivation?" Carr said.

This new plan helps the University on several levels. For one, you'll probably see an increased on-field determination from Michigan athletes. Losing is one thing, but being told you play like a girl and not being able to deny it is far worse.

Secondly, it allows Michigan to achieve gender equity after all. Now the Athletic Department won't even need a single women's sport to do it -- and so many of those sports will cease to exist.

The University has secretly decided to drop women's soccer, gymnastics, track and cross country all by the end of 1996. Field hockey, softball, volleyball and the rest will go the way of the dodo by the end of next year. Only women's swimming will stick around for a while -- though not indefinitely.

"We figure we'll give 'em another year or two," Roberson said, chuckling. "Let 'em win a national title, get some notoriety for the school, then wham-o! -- give 'em the axe."

National titles and gender equity are nice, but their value doesn't approach that of the third effect of the University's new plan. Athletes carrying only X-chromosomes just won't be varsity athletes -- not here.

"Damn straight," Roberson said. "If you don't have a Y, go play at the Y."

-- Darren Everson can be reached at evey@umich.edu. If you believe a word of this column, you may be an even bigger April fool than he is.