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Sexual innuendo hidden in films

Like a thirsty, pale vampire hiding in the shadows, hypnotizing his victim to get what he desires, sexual innuendo lurks in the hearts of seemingly innocent films. Do filmmakers hide such nuances in their films deliberately, or do they get there quite by accident? You have to look hard to find such disguised flicks -- or, if you will, the under-cover "booty call" movies, and the secret innuendos they employ.

WEAK MEN IN NEED OF NURTURING: What many insiders also call "the Kermie Complex," the phenomenon comes with the film that has a sweet, vulnerable, adorable male lead who possesses an all-around non-threatening disposition.

FILM: "Muppet Treasure Island." Kermit, with his big, round eyes does a superior job of deceiving viewers into thinking that men are, at their core, naive and cute. Likewise, his frail limbs and wimpy voice, begging Miss Piggy to protect him, brings the idea that womens' maternal side can come to fruitition and help "nurture" men.

REPRESSION: A kind of paradox, and also known as the nunnery event, it functions in films that have a lead actress who doesn't wear make-up, keeps seven layers of drab clothing on her body at all times and appears as sexual as a wall.

FILM: "Dead Man Walking." After 2 1/2 hours of watching Susan Sarandon clasp her hands together as Sister Helen Prejean, hits us over the head with so much purity that we start to want to see some sin. Heathenish lust, then, may become coveted after viewing the film.

EXORBITANT UNSAFE SEX: Also referred to, in some shady circles, as "Maximum Overdrive," the nuance lies in a film where persons behave generously with the gifts with which they were born and deliver themselves to the fiery throes of promiscuity.

FILM: "Leaving Las Vegas." Elizabeth Shue, as a prostitute, has more experience going up and down than an elevator, making the idea of "getting it on" with someone (unless the person is a pimp) seem as dangerous as licking ice cream from a cone.

EXCESSIVE SWEETNESS: Also known as "Stuffed Animal Suffocation," the innuendo appears in films where cartoon characters lull us into feeling like the world is pink, fuzzy, pink, gentle and pink some more, as if the human sphere is all softness, like the round, curvy faces of the characters themselves.

FILM: "Homeward Bound 2" or "All Dogs go to Heaven 2." Here we have lots of furry animals snuggling each other and generally doing selfless acts of charity, which actually brings forth a backlash: "Enough saccharine! Put on those diamond-studded leathers! Not the ones with the butt cut out, Tuna-head, the ones with the suspenders!"

GROSS-OUT: The nuance, commonly called "Hideous Hunch Backs" by everyone who's "in the know," works in films that star snot-nosed punks or shriveled, wrinkled bags of gas that are as easy on the eyes as storm-drain sludge.

FILM: "Happy Gilmore" or "Mr. Holland's Opus." Oh, dude, you have lucked out here: Heaven only knows who is the bigger monster: Adam Sandler or Richard Dreyfuss. Either way, these films make you, in comparison, seem less like Howdy Doody than George Clooney.

These films can help you seem better physically and morally than you actually are. A Lexus does the same thing, but it's so much more expensive.