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Suggestions for finding the best commencement day speaker

For many of us, graduation is rapidly approaching -- a little like a runaway semi. As notes from "Pomp and Circumstance" crash around in our heads, we are faced by that most pertinent of questions, the question that must occur to every graduate, the question that is so crucial for our future:

Once we've graduated, how will we check our e-mail?

First of all, I should apologize to all of you who will be taking part in the May 4 graduation at Michigan Stadium with me. Not only are you going to participate in about the eighth most-important event to be held in the stadium this year, but you're going to do it in the rain.

Sorry -- milestones in my life invariably feature precipitation; you've simply had the poor fortune of graduating with me.

The speaker for this year's graduation will be announced at next week's regents meeting. It's strange to me that we leave momentous decisions like this one to people like the administration and the regents -- people who are so obviously unfit to make them for us.

These are the same regents that nodded dumbly when President Duderstadt told them the Code of Student Conduct was a good idea, and we're going to let them have the final say on who speaks at our graduation, very possibly the only lecture for which we'll be awake this entire term?

Chances are, we will be treated to some politico seeking re-election, or the Queen of England, or George Foreman or that Bud Light "I love you, man" guy.

I propose that the regents consider a more nontraditional speaker, someone to whom we, the graduating, can more readily relate.

I would suggest, for example, Kato Kaelin. Kato, like most of us, is unemployed. Even better, he wants to be an "actor" -- again, much like a weighty chunk of our class. So Kato would be a speaker with whom we could sympathize.

Another good choice would be Axl Rose. This is not because Rose is just like me and you, in that he has absolutely no musical talent, or in that he spells horribly. (Witness his first name: I don't pretend to be an auto mechanic, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you spell that word.) While these are both true, the reason that the administration should pick Axl is that he has bad hair. Really bad hair. Bad hair like that takes effort.

Many of us will spend the next few decades growing old, and our hair will either fall out or get scraggly -- so I figure Axl can give some insight on bad hair, and maybe some tips on coping. Or maybe he'll just play some of his unique New Jersey rock 'n' roll. (If the sarcasm is dripping on your new shirt, I apologize -- but don't think I'm going to buy you a new shirt. No way, buster.)

If the regents cannot secure either Axl or Kato to address us, a solid selection would be former Daily columnist Mike Rosenberg. They say you can't please all the people all the time, so we might as well try to find someone who can't please anyone ever.

In his years at the Daily, Rosey managed to offend almost everybody: The conservative elements on campus seem to think that Mike is a bastion of pinko thought, while the more liberal elements agree that he is a reactionary racist.

Senator, I know Mike Rosenberg. I have worked with Mike Rosenberg. I can assure you that he sleeps far too much to spend time really being either one of those things. But if we can wake him, he'll certainly make for an entertaining speech.

It is very important for the dignity of this university that the speaker not be an artsy type, or someone who considers art to be a primary part of our education. Not that I don't like art, but should a person of this sort be selected, there is the very real possibility that the speaker would, in the interest of impressing our gathered loved ones with our breadth of knowledge, ask to stand those who have visited the University's art museum.

I can just see President Duderstadt interrupting the speaker -- with all of us standing, beaming -- to clear his throat and kindly ask that those of us who only visited the museum in order to sing "The Victors" after the Naked Mile please sit down. About three-quarters of the proudly erect members of my class would immediately deposit their once-bare butts back in their seats, much chagrined.

It could be worse. We could be graduating from Ohio State.

-- Brent McIntosh has already turned down multiple

requests to speak at graduation.

He can be reached over e-mail at mctosh@umich.edu.