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The regents originally wanted an ethically diverse group, but when they realized no information about the committee would be available to the media, they decided on six students, named Charles, Chip, Chuck, Chas, Charlie and Dugan Fife. At the last minute, a plan to have faculty members and an alum on the committee were scratched when the regents realized that those people were not subject to the Code and therefore might not be so easily manipulated.

A partial transcript:

CHARLES: First order of business: The Open Meetings Act. To circumvent or not to circumvent?

(Laughter heard.)

DUGAN FIFE: Open? I'm open. Give me the ball!

CHAS: What are we looking for in a University president, anyway?

CHIP: Let's read what they said in the forums.

CHUCK (reading): "... and that's when the twins started kissing. I removed their bikinis and --"

CHIP (interrupting): What the hell is that?

CHUCK: Forum. Penthouse Forum.

CHARLIE: You idiot! Notthat forum! The forums from the regents!

CHUCK: The regents have their own forum? Wow. I mean, they seemed a little deviant, but --

CHAS: No, no, no. The forums they held around the state, asking people what they wanted in a president.

CHUCK: OK. What did they want?

CHARLES: According to a recent survey, most people want a president who will lower tuition, improve education, make campus safer, lower the drinking age and institute a flat tax.

CHIP: Who can do all that?

CHUCK: Nobody.

CHARLIE: So we can't find anyone then? I guess there's no choice. We won't have a University president.

CHAS: OK.

DEANE BAKER: You fools! We have to have a president! Who else are we going to force out?

CHUCK: What the hell are you doing here?

MAUREEN HARTFORD (waving a copy of the Code menacingly): Watch your language! Lisbon is in our jurisdictional zone! We'll take you outside and shoot you if we have to!

CHUCK (holding up a pistol): I'll shoot back.

DUGAN FIFE: Yeah! You can beat a zone by shooting from the outside.

CHIP: Hey, now. Let's everybody calm down and examine the question: Why do we need a University president?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: We're not done with the construction on the Diag.

CHARLIE: Why do we need more construction on the Diag?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: To get rid of the lawn completely.

CHAS: Why would you want to do that?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: It's just our motto: No Grass on the Diag.

CHIP: There goes Hash Bash.

CHARLES: So we're picking a president just to do construction?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: Yup.

CHARLES: How about Bob Vila?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: We checked. He's busy.

CHIP: Busy? Doing what?

MAUREEN HARTFORD: I don't know, but he was holding a chainsaw when I asked him, so I didn't press the issue.

CHUCK (under his breath): I'm surprised you didn't bring him up under the code.

MAUREEN HARTFORD: Good idea!

CHARLIE: If Bob Vila's busy, I've given up hope. I have no idea who the next University president should be.

DEANE BAKER: I suppose we could go without one.

PRESIDENT DUDERSTADT: We, uh, have been told numerous times that, well, we just need one. Because it, uh, would jeopardize our chances of being accredited if, you know, we didn't have a president.

EVERYONE: OK! We'll have one. Whoever you want.

At that point, the group vowed to disband, never to meet again.

-- Michael Rosenberg can be reached over e-mail at mcr@umich.edu.