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Ah, love. Makes you all verklempt, no? Yes, folks it's that time of year again. And although it's a few days before the egregious event, I know that there are some of you out there (attn: North Campus) who may not have a super-honey to get all sappy over, may not have an excuse to raid Decker's for that $1.99 box of chocolate-covered jalapeno nuggets, may just simply feel like a big-time loser.

Well, never fear: The "Daily Guide to Aquiring a Date For Valentine's Day (Either Through Bribing, Borrowing or Bullying)" is here. Yes! All your worries are over. So sit back, put away that copy of Hustler, those nudie pics of Susan Powter (why don't you just stop the insanity?) and get ready for some action.

Places to look for your super-honey: All of the following locations are chock-full o' chicks and guys. Some of them are scary, but many of them will still be happy to see you.

a) Angell Hall computing site: Always a denizen of hot-date activity. Be sure to check out the cleaning crew. Yowza!

b) The Diag construction site: There are certainly a lot of people lurking there, at least late at night, as to whether or not they are choice Valentine's Day dates is for you to decide.

c) On line to crash the Chess Club party: Checkmate, baby.

d) Mason Hall bathrooms: self-explanatory

A key to knowing who's available:

a) People who are drooling: Not good at dinner parties, but OK for movies.

b) People who are speaking in tongues: Exciting, challenging, different. So the communication won't be great, unless you speak in tongues, too.

c) People who are talking to imaginary friends: An easy date. No pressure to come up with witty anecdotes or dismemberment games.

d) People who are playing "Doom": Generally, they have a little time on their hands and will be able to dwell on you.

Planning your attack / things to look for:

a) Always seem nonchalant. Desperation is unsexy: Never show how pathetic you really are.

b) Pretend that you just happened to see the person on the way to somewhere else, even if the "somewhere else" is a corner or a urinal: You want to look like a man/woman/hermaphrodite of action.

c) Do not bring your chia-Ram with you: You will seem like a deranged weirdo, plus, little rammy might get injured.

d) Don't drool: It's sexy when others do it, but not when you do.

Sure-fire ways to attract your super-honey's attention:

You've selected him/her/it. You're looking your foxiest. Now, what's next? Introductions won't work. Forget flowers. You need to be more direct.

a) Stand in front of the one you want and moon him/her/it: Immediately, you are signaling --  "I am here. I am boisterous. I know how to party."

b) Throw small, inanimate objects in his/her/its general direction. When he/she/it looks at you in anger, smile broadly and say: "I like the way you move." Yes, this behavior would be confusing to most people, but that special last-minute someone will sense the wry humor behind it and respond accordingly ... or call security.

c) Wave a porno tape in his/her/it's general direction and then raise your eyebrows suggestively: Again, you are being direct and direct is always good.

d) Drool: a known aphrodesiac.

Fail proof pick up lines:

a) "I have trouble controlling my bladder. Now you tell me your deepest, darkest secret." Definitely a good conversation opener.

b) "Whoa. Are those real?" An expression of admiration.

c) "Hmm. You're a lot uglier than I thought you were. Oh, well. Beggars can't be choosers." An admittance of your own shortcomings, always attractive.

d) "I see you're playing Doom and drooling. Would you like to party with me on Valentine's Day?" Shows great insight and intuitive ability.

Original gifts to give your date:

a) A stuffed, life-size rat: She/he/it will admire your creativity.

b) Chocolate-covered olives: Mmmm.

c) A gift certificate to that wok place in the union: No expiration date.

d) Freeze-dried phlegm: Little, yellow, different.

What to do with your last minute Valentine's date: