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Lighting up: Confessions of a closet smoker

By Katie Hutchins

Daily Staff Reporter

So I finally admitted I'm a smoker. Which means now I have to quit.

You know the process. It starts in high school when you're trying to be cool, and college catapults you into the "I only smoke when I'm drinking stage." Before too long, you're bumming so many off your best friend that she urges you to buy your own packs.

I bought six packs of cigarettes last summer. But I wasn't a smoker then. The fact that they only cost 50 cents a pack in Zimbabwe -- where I spent fall semester -- is what really did me in.

Now I don't have a clue how many cigarettes I've bought, but I do know that I almost have enough Camel Cash to buy another pack. The ridiculous fact that it costs 80 Camel dollars to buy one pack doesn't deter me.

New Year's Eve was the perfect time to stop, which shouldn't have been too difficult as I have told everyone I can stop anytime I want. So as the final 10 seconds of 1995 countdown began, I rushed to my pack and lit my last cigarette ever.

And at 12:05, I lit another one to celebrate the New Year.

Living at home with my parents was stressing me out, so I decided not to attempt this quitting thing until I got back to school. Big mistake.

I entered my new house and found two ashtrays on the living room table. In my room, I discovered my roommate had scattered five ashtrays in strategic spots: on the night stand, by the computer, next to the phone, on top of the Mr. Coffee and next to the remote control.

Six of my seven housemates smoke regularly and we all get rather hostile when one of us naively decides to try to quit. Four of us have fallen ill with a mysterious cough unaccompanied by other symptoms. Illness spreads easily when you live so close together.

To stop the cough, I decided to cut down. I switched to Merit Ultra Lights. Not only was this a pathetic failure (I ended up smoking twice as many -- and they didn't even taste good) but I also was subjected to ridicule from all the Camel and Marlboro smokers. And when a Marb Light smoker tells you you're just smoking air, you know you've got a problem.

So I'm one of the many who stand outside East Engineering at 10 a.m. and freeze as we finish our precious cancer sticks. I look at those who go to class without having a cigarette first incredulously. I don't understand why everyone doesn't smoke cigarettes. After all, there are so many perfect times in a day to smoke a cigarette.

There's the first one in the morning to accompany the coffee (another addiction for future discussion). There's the on the way to class and bored while walking cigarette, to be finished while standing outside a University building and getting evil looks from all the pure and prudent non-smokers who have nothing better to do than go to class early and read the Daily.

There's before a meal, while you're cooking or waiting for the pizza guy to come. There's after a meal, while the food settles. While watching TV is very key -- it cuts down on snacking. Sort of.

There's the after-shower, while waiting for your hair to dry cigarette. There's the on the phone, taking a study break cigarette. There's the while drinking, enhance the beer buzz cigarette. There's the just met a new person, don't know what to say, need something to do with your hands and mouth cigarette. And don't forget the countless Euchre-playing cigarettes and sex-related cigarettes.

And they serve some even greater purposes. They're a great way to meet other smokers, who will make you feel less guilty about smoking and will never let you try to quit. You can bum a cigarette off a cute guy or girl -- always a great conversation starter. You can be part of the secret club that has to go outside at a non-smoking house party. You can even recruit new smokers and convert them to full-time addicts like yourself. And you can alienate those who are touchy about smoking, smoke smell, white teeth, cancer, good circulation and breathing.

Remember, all those studies that say smoking is related to lung cancer do not prove that it causes lung cancer, only that is correlated with lung cancer. You never really know if all those "smoking-related" deaths could be mere coincidence. I think it's all a big scam set up by Weight Watchers and the Surgeon General.

-- Katie Hutchins can be reached over e-mail at katieh@umich.edu.