Sections

Roses Are Read

By Michael Rosenberg

At some point between my weekly bowling night and ESPN's SpeedWeek, I realized this Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was the best thing to happen to men since malt.

The issue came out a couple of weeks ago, with these two sexy women smiling back at me from the cover.

These women are just beautiful. I don't just mean beautiful -- I mean beautiful, the kind you'd marry even if they didn't cook that well.

This is the epitome of what Sports Illustrated is about. I mean, look at the magazine's name -- they illustrate sports. And where do we play sports? Well, I have always enjoyed playing sports on the beach. It just makes sense to print pictures of women on the beach, in keeping with the magazine's mission.

There are those who argue that the swimsuit issue is insulting to women. Seriously. I mean, hello, people -- women do not read Sports Illustrated. How can it insult them if they don't read it?

But even if, hypothetically speaking, a woman happened to pick up a copy out of the cushions of my couch, she would find that it is not insulting to women. She would even find that the issue actually promotes women, even helps them.

First of all, look at the bodies on these women! Clearly they are in fine physical condition -- they're lean and sizzling. This should be a goal of every woman, to be uncommonly thin. Without question, these women are in great shape. They are downright athletic.

Now. Shouldn't women who want to be athletes model themselves after, say, Kathy Ireland? I think that's fairly obvious.

Besides, you have to look at the financial windfall for women's athletics. Sports Illustrated rakes in a ton of money from the swimsuit issue. They take at least -- at least -- 1/20th of that hard-earned cash and pour it into coverage of women's athletics.

The people at Sports Illustrated don't need to do that. They could just keep the money. But they don't. They use that 1/20th and devote it to important articles on female athletes, articles that appear at least -- at least -- once a month in that beloved magazine.

Again, I remind you -- they don't have to print those stories. Nobody reads them. They're not interesting. But they do print them, because above all, the people at Sports Illustrated believe in promoting women -- even some fairly unattractive women.

So while some women wear skimpy little outfits, others benefit. It's a small price to pay when you think about it. Women have their sports promoted in exchange for just one issue of near-nudity per year. Really now -- wouldn't you exploit your daughter to help pay for her swimming lessons?

Then there are those who say the issue should have pictures of men in it. Oh yeah, bubba -- there's a good idea. Like men want to look at other men.

One other thing -- let's not forget that these photos are as much about swimsuits as they are about women. If a woman did happen to pick up a copy of the magazine, she could find out how much these swimsuits cost, so she could save up her money and buy a few. Then men could look at her the way we look at those women in the magazine.

I'll tell you, I really like this swimsuit issue. I think I like it even better than the latest Hustler. The problem with Hustler -- the only problem, really -- is that it always features beautiful naked women. That's what I have come to expect.

It's different with Sports Illustrated. You see, every week I read about football, basketball, hockey -- conventional sports. Then once, a year, I get to see pictures of a totally different sport.

This is great, this swimsuit issue. When I go home, I'm going to look at it at least -- at least -- five or six more times.