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Luke Skywalker was no `90's man -- thank your lucky stars

The 1980s were the decade of Cheers, and the classic battles of Magic and Larry Legend, and the "Star Wars" trilogy. "Star Wars!" That was the epitome of the '80s, despite its late-'70s release: It was simple, good vs. evil, with the good guys always winning in triumphant fashion and making witty remarks to boot.

Can you imagine Luke Skywalker today? Angst-ridden, Generation X Luke Skywalker?

Today, Luke would have an eyebrow ring and a passion for espresso, and he darn well wouldn't don that silly tunic. No, indeed: Luke would wear the flannel uniform of the Jedi frat boy, and he would dedicate himself to fighting the evils of political incorrectness and bad grunge rock.

The dialogue would be a little different. Take, for example, that little battle between Luke and his long-corrupted father, Darth Vader.

Vader: (gravely) Luke, I am your father.

Luke: (with guarded hesitation): Well ... where were you all these years?

Vader: (surprised) Wha ... what?

Luke: You know, all these years! Mom and I struggled just to get along, to make a buck, and you're out cruising the galaxy, killing off the helpless rebel forces.

Vader: (still in shock) Well, I ... I didn't ... I mean ...

Luke: We're busting our tails to eat, and you can't even bring your butt home at night -- some father you are. Could you spare a buck for us? Nooooo. Oh no, Mister: I may be your progeny, but you're not my pop.

Vader: (remembering his purpose) Luke, join me. Come to the dark side.

Luke: (indignant, and not ready to be interrupted) And what's this about the "dark side?" Why are the bad guys always on the "dark side," and always wearing black? Is this some kind of racial thing?

Vader: Racial? Luke, what ...

Luke, of course, would then flee to Dagobah and join a support group for "Adult Children of Formerly Well-Intentioned Jedi Knights Now Fighting for the Dark Side."

Then our hero would probably release a duet with Alanis Morisette, some little ditty about how men suck and all the problems in our world are the fault of the male gender. Luke has, of course, about as much singing talent as Alanis, which is to say exactly zero -- but he could probably sell a couple million copies of their single just by whining about men, which is how Morisette's silly fame has sprung itself on the unsuspecting public.

Let's face it: She's no Bruce Springsteen. If the Boss had come into his own in the mid-1990s, his trademark song would be "Born in the USA, but ashamed of the privilege into which I was born and, in fact, quite critical of the whole exploitationist system."

But back to Luke Skywalker. After his victimization at the hands of the evil Vader, Luke would probably e-mail a great deal of individuals and groups, detailing his pain and subsequent recovery, and they would all reply in order to laud his courage -- except those who had no clue how e-mail worked or why they were receiving this message from some guy with a funny name. They would greatly annoy the rest of the people by sending out confused messages consisting solely of "Please take me off this list." We would make fun of them; they would become offended.

Luke's e-mail would be forwarded with empathy to millions of people; I alone would receive 194 copies. His revolt against patriarchal hegemony would draw the attention of the national media, and he would soon be the subject of a series on "Hard Copy" and a single, greatly anticipated episode of "The Ricki Lake Show." "60 Minutes" would decline to cover the story.

Our hero would probably see his popularity climax with a cameo on "Friends," where he would gulp espresso with Ross.

The '80s had "The A-Team"; the '90s have "Friends." The A-Team were a bunch of guys who lived on testosterone and could make a cosmic ray gun out of cabbage, beer cans and a hockey stick -- the Friends are people who drink coffee, work at regular jobs, but manage to live in an apartment that Steve Forbes couldn't afford. Personally, I think the A-Team was more realistic.

-- Brent McIntosh can be reached over e-mail at mctosh@umich.edu. It's a safe bet he won't be listening to Alanis Morisette.