Sections

Steve Forbes vs. Bob Dole

By Alexandra Twin

God Bless America. Surely, it is the only place in this great, wide world where Spam is considered to be a technological advance, where "tanning assistant" is a profession you can train for, where the president and the first lady are the butt of more jokes than in-laws, and where Steve Forbes, a God's Honest American Dream Come True -- with absolutely no political experience -- can make a serious bid for the presidency ... or at least the Republican nomination.

How can you not love Forbes? Never mind his ideology, beliefs, ideas. The fact is the guy is just so earnest that it seems unfair not to trust him. He's so rich, he could move Ross Perot into the gutter. He's so smiley that he could do ads for Kool-aid (and he smiles in such a genuine, dopey way, just like your favorite uncle, peer adviser, catatonic North Campus resident or homicidal maniac).

Best of all, there's no deceit with Forbes. What you see is what you get. He admits to his flaws and lack of qualification, beginning most speeches with "I am only a nouveau riche, wealthy bastard with no political experience whatsoever (smile, pause). I have no clue where I am right now. Can someone please tell me? Uhhh ... I got my figurehead job from daddy who worked for a living (smile, pause), but there's nothing wrong with nepotism and there's nothing wrong with me (smile, pause) ... Well, at least not anymore (chuckle, pause). People say that I am balding (he begins to rub his skull slowly), but this is not true. I am attempting to empathize with you people, uh ... we people, ... she, he, we, (sings) we-bop, he-bop a you-bop, I bop, they bop, a who bop? (Smile, pause, frown.) ... Mommy, I gotta go pottie. "

Much like the Olsen twins (Mary-Kate and Ashley) and Barney, everyone's favorite purple, singing, cheerful, overweight, co-dependent dinosaur: There's very little not to love about Steve Forbes.

Granted, his approach may be a little simple, but compare him to Bob Dole -- who is considered by many to be the main righteous dude in consideration for the nomination -- in the following crucial areas and you will see that simple is not just a condescending way to refer to that kid in the back of the class who just didn't get it. It is also a vital part of the presidency (remember when we had Bonzo's good friend?).

Sense of Fashion: Both Dole and Forbes dress fairly conservatively, yet one could easily imagine Forbes relaxing comfortably in a nice pair of Hawaiian shorts ... or a nice set of heels and a leather muumuu.

Youth Appeal: Forbes is like your pops, Dole is like your grand-pops who growls when you're late for supper, boy. Grandpa may have gone on MTV, but at least dad can take a joke.

Pop culture Knowhow: Dole slams lots of cool movies he's never seen 'cause they're violent or naughty or make him feel guilty about that time in eighth grade when he opened the bathroom door -- by accident -- on his older sister Bobette. Meanwhile, Forbes puts out a stuffy magazine for rich people that is neither violent nor naughty, yet he doesn't lash out at the movies. Insofar as entertainment purposes, "Forbes" may not be that cool, but I think I speak for all of us when I say, bravo to Steve Forbes, a real man who doesn't let slide a perfectly good opportunity to see a little T & A every now and then, know what I mean, homes?

Jowl Movement: Much like the tin man before he hooked up with Dorothy, Bob Dole seems rather ... well, ... fixed, eh? A not unfrightening resemblance both in the jowl region and others to ol' Tricky Dick, perhaps? As for Forbes, See section A: KOOL-AID REPRESENTATIVE POSSIBILITIES above. The guy's a jowl movement champ; he can chew gum for weeks.

Bowel Movement: It has been suggested by some that Bob Dole perhaps should engage in this activity more frequently, whereas Forbes seems at ease with both the world and his bowels.

The fact is, Forbes just gives us all that "gosh-darnit-I-am-so-proud-to-be-an-American" feeling. He's the ultimate self-made man/American success story (or at least the son of it) willing to use his goodness to tackle the evil, corrupt world of American politics and bring us all to a new, higher understanding of our global significance. Wow.