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Shaking The Tree

Adventures In Bodybuilding

By Katie Hutchins

With spring break around the corner, I'm anticipating the possibility of squeezing into a bikini, and I've started working out at the Central Campus Recreation Building. When you first walk in, it can be a little intimidating to see all those good bodies that seemingly have full command of every contraption in the place. I've developed a basic set of rules for survival.

The people who really need to be there are not. One thing that stands out are the numerous cute skinny girls who wear Spandex. These are the chicks who travel in packs and know all the cool stretches. They also can bounce up and down on a Stairmaster for more than an hour and keep smiling. It's best to avoid them.

If you, like me, have an average body, and can't resist the temptation to wear some kind of skintight stretch material, cover your ass. Literally. It's not that hard to find an oversized T-shirt.

And if you've ever participated in a 10K run or if your IM team was successful at something, the CCRB is the place to wear the T-shirt. Even if you don't look in shape, people will think you are, or you were and became incredibly ill.

I tend to avoid the Gravitron. It scares me. I avoid the Nordictrack because it also scares me. My parents have one at home to entertain themselves during the holidays as their children attempt to use it. There's a bit too much coordination involved.

If you do find yourself on one of those complicated machines (like the Gravitron or that climbing thing), pretend you know what you're doing. Never ask for help or advice --it's the equivalent of a first-year student in South Quad asking for directions to the Michigan Union. You just don't do it.

The sign-up lists for machines are optional. Just jump on the damn machine when it's free. Nobody will know you weren't there first unless they've been checking you out, and if they've been checking you out they're unlikely to kick you off a machine.

If there's a big, muscular, scary-looking guy standing over you waiting to use one of those arm machines, take your time. Don't let him intimidate you. Just because you can't even lift the thing once doesn't mean you don't have every right to sit there and think about it.

Besides, once he gets on, he won't get off and he'll be making those annoying He-man grunting sounds for the rest of the evening.

Early morning on weekdays is far less crowded than the evening. This has two advantages: No need to hunt for a free machine, and it's a good chance to figure out the Gravitron and the Nordictrack when nobody's watching.

Never, ever, make fun of a karate class.

Once you're finished your aerobic activity and have freed yourself from the shackles that tie your feet to the pedals of the exercise bike, try to look like you haven't exerted yourself. Tone down the breathing, wipe off the sweat. You never know who you might see. I've seen two past hook-ups, a love interest and a professor just when I'm wiping my face on my sleeve, gasping for air and hoping there aren't sweat spots on my shirt.

One guy actually approached me when I had just dismounted the Stairmaster and was trying to do one of those cool stretches I've seen the Spandex women do. All I could manage in the way of casual conversation was a prolonged gasp that sounded something like "I'm in pain." He shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

I know the CCRB is a really big building, and perhaps I've focused a bit too much on one room. The fact is, I find the various machines in there enough of a challenge for now, and haven't had the courage to venture much further.

I hear there may be an aerobics room, a basketball court or two and a swimming pool. The last thing I want to do is pay five bucks to jump around on a mat for an hour. I really don't think I'd be welcome in one of those pick-up basketball games. ("So who's playing tight end?") And I have a rule not to get into a swimsuit in public until I absolutely have to.

I do know of one other pastime while you're waiting to catch your breath -- there are these cool pits in which cheesy guys play racquetball, and you can spend hours making fun of them. But be subtle about it because they sometimes get angry and whack a ball directly at your head. It's really not worth it.