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Fear Buchanan

By Dean Bakopoulos

OK, now we can be afraid. We can be very afraid. Pat Buchanan is for real. This week he said he can break "the winnability barrier" and go "all the way" for the Republican nomination. He's vowed to put Bob Dole's campaign "on life support."

I'd never thought I'd say it, but I'm rooting for Bob Dole. You almost have to, because even the possibility of Buchanan becoming the next president is enough to send you north to Canada. Imagine what this nation could become under a Buchanan regime ...

Picture a crisp February morning in 1997. President Pat Buchanan looks out on the snow-covered White House lawn. "Nice," he thinks, "very white and very straight."

In a schoolhouse in Kansas, Little Johnny is learning that Darwin is hogwash, and that woman was made out of Adam's rib, and that means she is supposed to cook and clean all day. In Chicago, Bill has been sentenced to a labor camp for actually enjoying sex. His partner, Carol, has been duly warned.

Along the Tex-Mex border, Buchanan has employed the AmeriCorps cadets, surprisingly continuing former President Clinton's program. The cadets are building a 30-foot wall between the United States and Mexico. Meanwhile, up north, developers are looking into a giant crocodile moat between the United States and Canada.

Back on Capitol Hill, Buchanan announces the Constitution has been "misplaced." Until it is found, he declares himself King. Meanwhile, the National Association for the Advancement of White People, which has been linked to the Buchanan camp, decrees that it definitely is not a racist organization. Says a spokesperson, "We let minorities stay in the United States. They just have to pick Alaska."

Am I being a bit paranoid? I don't know. After all, ultra-nationalist and ultra-racist Russian presidential candidate Vladimir Zhirinovsky called Buchanan a "brother in arms" against Jews. According to the Interfax news service, Zhirinovsky actually expressed hope that a Buchanan administration would join him in an anti-Semitic drive to "use portions of the United States and Russia for the settlement of this small but troublesome tribe."

That's sick. Although Buchanan immediately distanced himself from it, it's truly scary that a foreign leader would speak of him like that. Whether he likes the Russian reactionary or not, Buchanan cannot say he never gave Zhirinovsky reason to call him a "comrade." This is the same old Pat who referred to Congress as "Israeli-occupied territory."

Yes, and it's the same old Pat who vows to exclude homosexuals from the executive branch, who once praised racist leaders in South Africa, who strives to keep immigrants out and who would love to see an all-out cultural war in America.

So you can be very afraid, but not because Buchanan is running for president. This country has managed to ignore idiots like this before (see David Duke). The scary part is that support for Buchanan is so strong; many people buy into his message of intolerance and paranoid nationalism. Buchananites are crawling out of the woodwork, and they are brandishing their swords of hate and divisiveness.

Now, Republicans are creepy, but in a nice way. You kind of wanna give Bob Dole a hug; I mean the poor old guy just really wants to be president. Steve Forbes? He's like a clown in a parade, harmless. Lamar Alexander? He knows he's a long shot, and is probably just in this thing for the coffee and donuts. Maybe the Republican field is a bit misguided and elitist, but they're well-intentioned.

But Pat Buchanan is really creepy. He is a figurehead of anti-intellectualism. A sealer on closed minds. A skewer of reality. Twister of morality. Justifier of hatred. People can defend Buchanan until they are blue in the face, call him a morally upright leader. But go back and read some of his old syndicated columns, watch some of his old talk shows and count the number of avowed racists on his campaign. His own work, his own words, and his own workers back up my claims.

The Republican Party has a big chance this year to do something great for America. And it has nothing do to with who wins in November. Their public service could come right now, this very week, and the whole nation would benefit.