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Weekend's spring break guide -- planes

If you're one of the lucky students who can afford a plane ticket this spring break, you are going to bypass all the horrors of the fabled road trip, the car trouble, the unexpected the blizzard, the inevitable strung-out hippie-beatnik hitchhiker you decide to pick up. You will be some 900 billion mega-giga-jigawatt miles in the air, hovering over the rest of us poor saps stuck on the ground below changing flat tires or sitting in a urine-scented bus station. You will be coddled and cradled by flight attendants and served teeny-weeny bags of honey-roasted peanuts and cute little cans of soda.

You think you're taking the easy way out? Think again.

Sure, someone else is going to do all the driving. And sure you can sleep or get drunk or watch Jim Carrey movies the whole way down to some balmy tropical destination. And granted, you get to take home all the motion sickness bags that you can stuff in your pants. But air travel ain't for the faint-hearted, folks, and if you plan on flying the not-so-friendly skies this spring break, you best listen up and follow these simple survival rules.

Getting There

First of all, you should fly British Airways. I swear to you, on my first British Airways flight, I was treated like Prince Charles himself. I won a bottle of wine, was fed lovely refreshments every hour and had a wonderful flight attendant named Sara who fluffed my pillow and rubbed my shoulders and sang me a lullaby every time turbulence woke me up. But that's the Brits; they do everything better than Americans, and if you're not headed to the U.K., you, old sport, are out of luck.

So, since you probably can't get a British Airways flight to South Padre Island, at least try to find a reputable airline. If your airplane ticket has "Joe and Maude's Airline and Lawn Service" written on it, you may want to call your travel agent. Right now.

After verifying the reputation of your airline, you can start planning your trip, and that includes thoughtful and thorough packing. Be sure to bring all the essentials for your trip in a carry-on bag, since the rest of your luggage is likely to get lost between the moon and New York City. "Essentials" include all important documents, toiletries, a change of clothes, a swimsuit, and your beer-drinking hat that holds two cans on each side and has those wacky plastic straws coming down to your mouth.

Speaking of luggage, if you're heading to a foreign land, don't be an idiot and try to "sneak" some illegal substance into the country. Everyone knows that Spring Break is meant for drinking, not getting high. Besides, the NyQuil in your carry-on bag should provide enough chemical stimulation for the whole gang. You should also note that most Latin American countries have recently added Todd Rundgren CDs to their list of items not allowed to be brought into the country. This is because Todd Rundgren sucks. As a rule, you should avoid bringing anything that sucks into an airport.

As for going to the airport, it costs roughly $900 to get from Ann Arbor to Detroit Metro Airport in a taxi. Try and get a ride on the Commuter vans or make one of your poor homebound friends drive you. And, as always, arrive early. For example, if your flight leaves Sunday, leave now. Go. Hurry. Finish this article on the plane.

Flying

It's on the plane where you'll need the most help. Once you check your luggage and get on board and find your seat and settle down and fasten your seat belt, you will have to go pee. It's inevitable. Do that before the plane takes off. There's nothing worse than hitting an air pocket in midstream.

Of course, at this time of the year planes are packed, so chances are you will be sitting among strangers. If you are sitting with a bunch of college kids, that's not so bad, because you can all sit around and talk about how drunk you will get and how much you are going to score. But if you are sitting by Joe Businessman traveling south to embezzle funds from a Caribbean bank account, the conversation is less stimulating. Bring a book or a Walkman. If anyone creepy tries to start a conversation with you, nod politely and pretend you are deeply engrossed in your novel/music/Nintendo Game Boy/soft pornography. If they still insist on running their jaw, feign death.

Still, there's plenty to do on the plane if you forget to bring along some diversionary toy. You can watch the flight movie, something you would probably never consider renting at Blockbuster, but on the plane you gobble it up like it's "Citizen Kane." Or you can listen to the airline radio with free headphones they pass out on board. This radio system has channels like "The Lionel Richie Hour" and "The Richard Simmons Fat Guy Comedy Network." If this bores you, impress the flight attendants by showing your emergency skills and opening the exit doors, inflating the life raft and ripping down the oxygen masks.

And if all else fails, fly drunk, because you sure as hell can't smoke on the plane.

Landing and Arrival

If you are a smoker, you are going to need to smoke as soon as you get off the plane. Airport officials know that, so most of them have eliminated all smoking lounges. Therefore, try to forget about the urge to smoke by taking your mind off the nicotine craving. Do this by stabbing your eye with a pen or gnawing on your own hand.

You want to be really funny and impress all the new friends you made on the airplane? Start screaming, "We're all gonna die!" as the plane descends. This is especially funny to do when little kids are within earshot. Make sure they are convinced that they are going to die; then everyone will have a real good laugh after you land safely.