You've come a long way, baby.
In recent decades this slogan has been used as a rallying, congratulatory remark to womankind. I've always thought it was a little silly: "You strived for centuries to gain equality - here's your very own carcinogen!"
But anyway, the slogan has stuck in many circles, although a few recent mass media phenomenons have made it unclear as to just how far a "long way" is.
Unfortunately, there are still some women who are contributing greatly to significant and giant backward steps. Two such women are Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, co-authors of a new book from Warner Books titled "The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right."
This soon-to-be bestselling book is unabashedly offensive to women. Basically, here is the book's premise in a horrifyingly accurate nutshell: 1) You are a woman, and thus you need and want a man in your life. 2) The only way you'll have a relationship with a man that lasts is by playing a series of games that are emotionally and mentally unhealthy. 3) Short skirts and black silky nylons are the main elements of your attractiveness.
The book also goes on to tell women not to return phone calls, not to tell men about any kids they may have, not to agree to go on a date the first time (pretend you're busy even if you really want to go out with Mr. X).
Nauseous yet? How about these "Rules": Never leave the house without perfume or make-up, never speak to a man first, never, ever be the first to show a sexual interest in Mr. X.
Basically, let THE MAN be the conqueror of the beautiful and disinterested goddess.
I don't think this is what is meant by "coming a long way," do you?
Books like "The Rules" are an assault on those women who are plagued by low self-esteem. It's an attempt to capitalize on the women in our culture who do not feel that they can be loved for who they are. And this problem is only perpetuated by a culture that pays the highest homage to women with killer bustlines and backsides. Thankfully, I think most American women are simply too intelligent to follow these "rules." But what about impressionable females in their teens, or those women who may have been mistreated by men in past relationships, or those who are suffering from eating disorders because they are chronically upset about their physical appearances? Women and men alike need to speak out against these kinds of books, the ones that imply that male-female relationships will never be based on equality.
Yet women aren't the only gender getting knocked about by pop culture. What about men? Take, for example, the oafish humor of NBC's overhyped new sitcom "Men Behaving Badly." The show's premise is basically the following: "Men really like sex and beer. They don't like to talk, unless they can eventually reach orgasm. Men also are mentally incapable of communicating with women. Unless they want to have sex."
Simply ridiculous, and as a male, I find that offensive. It's not even a funny show, but that's beside the point. The fact is that this show is spewing forth a new attitude, an attitude that, incidentally, is also being embraced by the once respectable men's magazines "GQ" and "Esquire." This attitude states, "Ah, men will never be suitable partners for women. Let them be bad, ladies, so at least we can all have sex."
There's no wonder why the talk shows and self-help bookstores are filled with titles like "You don't understand me!" The same culture that thrives on male-female relationship problems also continuously feeds them. Check the best-seller lists and the TV ratings. People are eating this stuff up. "Your man / woman is hopeless!" "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Live With It."
I don't buy the Mars / Venus crap.
To double-check, and to lend some credence to my argument, I called a woman (whom, incidentally, I'm going to marry) on the phone last night. She's from Earth, she insisted. My parents insist that I, too, am an earthling, which renders the whole Mars / Venus thing inapplicable. And "The Rules" go out the window too. In fact, we do have a very good relationship even though SHE came up to me and INTRODUCED HERSELF! And now, sometimes, I even let her leave the house without a short skirt, silky nylons and perfume! I bet most folks in successful relationships would tell you the same things. Healthy relationships are based on equality and honesty, and love comes only when those two elements are present.
Two people don't end up together because they follow the norms in self-help books and pop culture. They don't play games. They don't follow rules. They don't accept any "bad behavior." Relationships aren't about gimmicks.
Could someone please tell that to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, and the other self-help nutheads out there? Because it looks like we ALL still have a long way to go, baby.
- Dean Bakopoulos can be reached over e-mail at deanc@umich.edu.