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Adrienne Janney |
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Let me tell you a story. Better yet, let me not.
If I hear one more touching story from a political candidate, my head will split open, beginning at the ears.
Bob Dole has been in the trenches. In the foxholes. War is hell, you know.
We know, Bob. But how do you feel about affirmative action ... today?
At the last vice presidential debate, Al Gore solicited from Jack Kemp a tongue-in-cheek agreement not to tell any warm, fuzzy football stories or stories about big, confusing environmental concepts. Even if you weren't watching the debate, you can guess who had to refrain from which.
But who is on first, and doesn't really care what happened to which in the small town of where.
Joe Fitzsimmons (R-Ann Arbor), who is running against U.S. Rep Lynn Rivers (D-Ann Arbor), sells himself as a tall man in a red sweater. And a lovely red sweater it is. I've seen it. (You're turning green this moment, I know.) But when he begins to talk about the issues, the yarns unravel and unravel until ...
Well, it isn't a pretty picture. Anyway, I think we're supposed to be touched. Touched that as the president of University Microfilms Inc., he is good to his employees. (Although he allows the 10-percent gay population to keep their jobs, he grants them no partner benefits.) Touched that one of his children adopted a baby of mixed race. (He'll be absolved in heaven for this, despite his lack of support for affirmative action.)
And he's fighting for the young people. "I hope you believe that."
May moths attack your sweater, sir.
Regent Shirley McFee (R-Battle Creek) believes that people - including her grandchildren - should work hard to go to college, and parents should save their money early. Lovely, but I heard a rumor that she owns Battle Creek. Saving should be like cake. But never mind her. She's not up for re-election this year.
The stories work better for some.
Rivers tells how she came to the University as a young wife and mother, and through hard work, persevered despite obstacles - and that's why she believes in financial aid. Her husband still works in a factory. They are more in tune with average Americans than most politicians. (Remember how George Bush didn't know about scanners in grocery stores?)
Well, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. But it's like your favorite new pop song - OVERPLAY.
Clinton is the master of the trade.
I don't care what you think of his politics - he knows how to work his crowds. You've got to appreciate manipulative skill of that level.
"I still believe in a place called Hope." He's from Hope, Ark., for those of you who missed it. Come on - the man cries in public.
Slick Willy, you are a sinner. Forget about misleading your people over the bridge. I'd like to hear the good stories. (Hell, I'd like to hear Hillary's stories. Or Socks'. Tee hee.)
Better yet, let's put a ban on Elizabeth Dole tales. I'm tired of articles about what she cooked for the Doles' dinner party. At least we don't have to hear about what Hillary bakes.
Ross Perot: Don't worry 'bout me. I got 6 million back at home.
Thanks, Ross.
I thought you dropped out of the race. Oh, that was last time. Well, the story hasn't changed. At all. And you've still got big ears, you whiny little mouse.
Just don't do it.
Lame, lame, lame.
(Just don't jump off the bridge, Bill. Gennifer Flowers isn't worth it.)
And what is up with this rampant tendency to start talking about (INSERT RANDOM AMERICAN) in midstream?
The elephants use it more than the donkeys, but it's pretty bad either way.
A candidate will be plodding along in some coherent policy discussion when all of the sudden, Wham! We're in the middle of Detroit discussing Esmerelda and her children.
It's called digression.
"I'll never forget the time that ..."
"A woman came up to me in the middle of Death Valley and ..."
Bill cites himself. Seven Nobel prize winners.
Yes, but why didn't you veto the Welfare Reform Act?
- Adrienne Janney can be reached over e-mail at pantheon@umich.edu.