By Ron Steiger
OK. Time's up. It's time to let me into the big room.
Being a sophomore, I feel that I've been here long enough to answer the question that we all come to college to learn: What am I going to be?
I always figured that the way one goes about obtaining this knowledge is to take a whole bunch of classes in a plethora of different departments and eventually one subject will grab your interest like Lorena grabbed John. Then you'll know that is what you want to study, that is what you want to do with the rest of your life. Well, after taking classes in sociology, economics, statistics, goat herding, English, psychology, history, beer tasting (the guy told me it was three credits, but I swear I worked hard enough for five), political science, philosophy and Macarena dancing, I still have no clue what I want to do for a career.
First-year students aren't expected to know and juniors and seniors have already decided. But us sophomores are stuck right in the middle. And if my first theory was wrong, what else could it be? Is it that at some point during the year the answer is just going to hit you like the "thunderbolt" (you know, like in "The Godfather," Michael in Sicily, whatever)? Some of my sophomore friends have told me they just think it'll work itself out, sort of taking the thunderbolt approach. But personally, I think that approach is just a bunch of baloney. I have my own theory. Basically, this theory consists of two major concepts. First, all juniors and seniors are in on a conspiracy. Second, there is a secret room somewhere on campus.
That's right, first-year students and sophomores, you heard it here first. At some point during your sophomore year here, you will one day be approached while walking harmlessly around campus. This man or woman who accosts you will whisper into your ear to stay silent and go with him or her. The two of you will walk into a building (one that I'm pretty sure is University property), a blindfold will be slipped over your eyes, and just to make you out of sorts, you will be spun around several times. After walking through countless hallways - and getting almost as excited as you would if you heard "Get a Life" was releasing new episodes this fall - you will once again hear your leader's voice. It will speak the words "free pizza." While enjoying this heavenly slice you will be taken into a large room that's completely black. The only light in the room is provided by stars randomly placed on the walls.
You are taken into this room and the blindfold is taken off. Then a person sitting behind a huge oak judge's bench looks down at you and tells you what you will study for the remaining two years at the University. You are also told what you will do when Ann Arbor is just a pre-graduation memory. Then you are sworn to secrecy, so no first-year student or unworthy sophomore will ever find out.
To me this idea is much more plausible and much less scary than deciding by myself. So to all the powers that be, this message is for you: I'm ready, so bring on the ruckus.