If the debate commission won't let Ross Perot join in the mayhem of the election year, by golly, someone has to. It's a shame Dole didn't want Perot in the debates; Perot makes less sense than Dole.
Imagine the nerve of excluding Perot because the commission doesn't think he is a viable candidate. Plus, Clinton and Dole will have spindoctors writing their responses.
I mean, just how does one get the issues addressed? Read on.
This past weekend, after several of my favorite watery domestic beverages, I was surprised to find all three major candidates, Mr. Clinton, Perot and Dole, awaiting my entrance at the Bakopoulos Political and Social Research Foundation. Seizing the opportunity, as well as a pint of whiskey from Mr. Dole, I challenged the three politicians to an impromptu, all-out debate. Dole and Perot graciously accepted, though Mr. Clinton tried to hold out for a game of "Chutes and Ladders" instead. (He seems to prefer a game where he can be all over the board.)
Yours truly served as moderator.
ME: Gentleman, let's get right down to it. Crime. Discuss.
DOLE: I'm against it. Let me tell you, Bob Dole hates crime. Hates it. Hates everything about it. Hates McGruff the Crime Dog too.
CLINTON: (Turning to his left.) I know several criminals, and you need to lock them up, but you need to rehabilitate them as well. (Turns to the right.) Burn them. Burn them. Chop their stinking heads off!
PEROT: Now let me finish. Let me finish! Can I finish? Can I finish?
ME: Time's up. Next question: "What about universal health care?"
DOLE: Bob Dole doesn't need health care. You saw Bob Dole fall off the stage in California? (Sits down and sits up quickly.) Bounced right back up. No problem. (Passes out briefly.) No health problems here. "Bob the Bod." You can call me that. "Bobby the Body."
CLINTON: I'm glad you brought up college loans. I believe that every American has the right to an education that is decent and fair.
ME: Mr. President, the question is in regards to universal health coverage.
CLINTON: Education is a right. I've always said that. Have you seen me do the Macarena?
ME: OK next question.
PEROT: Let me talk. Let me finish!
ME: Next question.
PEROT: Can I, I say, can I finish?
ME: No. Focus here people, now let's get back to the issues. Back to you Mr. Dole. Discuss, if you will, the moral direction of our nation.
DOLE: Bob Dole loves movies. He watched them. Loved that "Terminator." Do you know they talk in movies now? They have sound and everything. Movies make people bad. Makes people fornicate and smoke grass.
RALPH REED: Give them heck Bobby! (Pauses) Actually damn them to hell, or you'll lose a heap of campaign money.
ME: Mr. Reed, you aren't invited to be in this debate. Please get off my shoulder.
CLINTON: May I address that morality issue?
DOLE: This should be good.
CLINTON: My polls are so good, I think it's morally justifiable to start dating again, ha ha ha. I'm just kidding. (Pause) How about Katie Couric? Is she around?
DOLE: Bob Dole tried to date Ms. Couric. Tried the old tough war hero routine. Didn't work well. Bob Dole still feels young. Liddy has migraines. Bob Dole has needs.
PEROT: I have needs too, old-timer. I have a need to be heard. Now let me finish. I made up this chart with my Mr. Smell-O scented markers ... .
ME: Mr. Perot, now you settle down, or I'll stick you in this ziploc bag with Mr. Reed.
REED: Humph. Harumph. Gag.
CLINTON: I have a real job. You wouldn't understand, but I have to go.
DOLE: I understand you were a red, flag burning bastard. Taxes lets talk taxes. Fifteen percent across the board. Take the money from those overpaid McDonald's employees. Let's pay them with McNuggets instead.
CLINTON: You can't feed a family on McNuggets. Mmm ... McNuggets.
DOLE: Sure you can. Free sauce. Four to choose from.
I'll spare you the ugly scene that occurred afterwards, but I will say this: The MTV "Rock the Vote" bus will be on the Diag tomorrow registering young voters. I know it's a little hokey, Gen X, twentysomething deal: But it's effective. And if you aren't registered yet, it's an easy opportunity to do it.
Whoever you choose, why ever you choose, please make a choice. A lot of people have died, on our own soil, to secure that right for Americans of all race, genders and ethnicities. Do justice to that brave legacy and use that right on Nov. 5. (Begin humming favorite patriotic song now.)
- Dean Bakopoulos can be reached over e-mail at deanc@umich.edu.