Best of Dating

Cheesy, dull pick-up and rejection lines round-out campus dating

Best pick-up line:
"Nice shoes - let's fuck."
So this is it, huh folks? This is the best we could do? Each of us with several years of college experience in seducing the opposite sex, and this is the pinnacle of verbal entendre? How about "Here's a quarter, call your roommate, you're not coming home tonight" or "Nice shirt. It would look great wedged in my headboard." No sir, life's just an open-air party. Forget guile, seduction, skill and style - why don't we just do it in the road? Why indeed.

Best rejection line:
"Maybe later."
It should come as a surprise to no one that the response to ill come-on lines is a trite and unimaginative as this. If confronted with "Nice shoes - let's fuck," a witty riposte isn't exactly called for. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: You." "It's not you, it's me. I don't like you." Now those are blow-off lines. But I suppose that if you have a half-crocked meathead pushing back his baseball hat to leer at you while he spills watered-down Meister Chau on your tight black pants and clogs, it doesn't take much to douse his fires.

Best place for a first date:
Nichols Arboretum
Common rookie mistake. The key to making a sensitive guy date work is to have a trace of subtlty. The symphony, an art museum, anything involving children ("Oh, he's not mine. I adopted him. His real mommy didn't want him any more,") are a little cliched. If she knows you're trying to charm your way into her drawers with sugar and spice, it's not going to work. The Arb is almost as bad a picnic in the park or singing under her window. It's been done to death.

Best unusual date:
Nichols Arboretum
Is there an echo in here? If you're dating someone stupid enough to be charmed by your hemp jewelry and guitar playing by the Huron River, she's not going to be worth the effort. And why the hell is this an unusual date? "Look honey, a tree! Isn't this romantic? We're sitting in dirt with several hundred other Frisbee chucking cheeba monkeys!"

Best date movie:
"Jerry Maguire"
OK, not bad. "Jerry Maguire" is funny, romantic, entertaining and a movie that is easy for both of the sexes to watch, and that makes you look good. My only caveat is to be careful of movies with men who are more attractive than you are. After an hour and a half with Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr. she might look over at you and wonder what she's doing with a gastropod like you. So watch it. And good luck.

04-17-97