 | Katie Hutchins Shaking the Tree |
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Today's column is a plea for help. You have the opportunity here to save a cat's life. Because if nobody claims the cat my housemates have adopted, I'm going to kill it.
Yes, I know I'm a vegetarian and I try not to wear leather or wool. I know I think animals have the right to be free and happy and well-fed and all that. But I hate cats.
Call it speciism, if you want. Call it hypocrisy. Call it anything you like, but the fact remains: The cat will be dead in one week. I think rat poison might be a good choice.
It's not that I want every cat dead. I don't mind if they exist, as long as they stay out of my face. They're selfish, nasty, finicky, rude, stuck-up and stupid.
They get their owners to love them somehow (some people think they're cute) and then they have their run of the place. They come and go as they please. They kill cute little birds and rodents. They expect their meals on time - and they'll destroy the furniture if you fail to deliver. And they ignore you.
Dogs at least appreciate the fact that as far as they're concerned, you're God. They jump up and down and bark and wag their tails when you come home. A cat might look up and acknowledge your return. If she feels like it.
My housemates feel sorry for this cat. They wanted me to write a column - a tribute to the cat that has brought so much joy to our lives. I told them I probably needed a bit more of an angle than that to fill the space.
One of my housemates offered, "Isn't it interesting that we treat animals better than humans? We haven't donated anything to the homeless, but I've already given up four cans of tuna." I wasn't sure if it was such a good idea to talk about how we should help the homeless more; I feared that humans might show up at our place looking for bowls of tuna and milk.
So I decided to compromise. My housemates will like the column because it's in the cat's best interest to become adopted by someone else - it might get to live.
I refuse to let the selfish little beast in the house. Aside from the aforementioned reasons why this creature does not deserve pity, I also get watery eyes, coughing, sneezing, itching and the inability to breathe - all because of this orange and white fuzzball.
And my housemates shouldn't pity it either. They think the cat is starving, but if you saw it you'd realize we're not the only ones giving it food. This cat knows how to play college students. It's probably lived in our neighborhood for years. The thing roams up and down East University, stops at each feminine household, gets a free meal and a lot of petting and whatever else girls like to do with cats. I'm sure many people let it inside the house, to the dismay of Copi Properties and Campus Rentals.
This is not a cat whose life is misery because it doesn't have a home. It actually has several - including a cardboard box with a blanket in it on our front porch. It even has its name outside the box - sickeningly enough, they called it "Pretty Kitty."
The other day, two nice young men decided to do their good deed for the day by knocking on our door and returning what they thought was our cat. One of these boys was pretty cute, so I opened the door to commence flirtation. And the cat slipped by my leg and into my house.
To our visitors' dismay, I picked up the cat, threw it out onto the porch, and said something about hating cats and maybe something about wishing they were dead. I don't think that got me any brownie points with the boys; in fact, I think I frightened them.
My housemates think it's cruel that I won't allow this dirty, selfish little animal into our house. But that's not even close to what I'm going to do to it if it doesn't disappear.
I love animals. I'm all about living together in harmony. But this cat is involved in a deception of our entire neighborhood. It has penetrated the hearts of many college students, made them think it's cute and deserving of their love, and continued to take advantage of people's weaknesses for cute fluffy things.
And if one of Pretty Kitty's other "owners" doesn't keep it away from my porch, it's going to die. I haven't eaten meat in more than five years; I think I can handle just one more animal death on my conscience. It's for a good cause.
- If you want to save Pretty Kitty's life and give it a home (though God only knows why you would), contact Katie Hutchins at katieh@umich.edu.