Remember how back in grade school, there was always that kid on the playground who was so moronic that nobody paid any attention to him? This same disregard should be given to "The Relic," the village idiot of motion pictures.
We should have expected that something was wrong with the film when its release date was pushed back by months. But as the opening date grew near, and the chaotic trailers promised an exciting new heart-pounding sci-fi thriller, no one really realized just how bad it would be.
Right off the bat, the filmmakers get themselves in trouble by confusing the hell out of the audience. The movie opens up with an erratically-shot pagan ceremony in Brazil. Somehow, this leads to scenes of a frantic man searching for a crate on a cargo boat, and then finally the camera settles on the Natural Museum of History in Chicago. There are no segues between these shots, causing us to become completely lost less than five minutes into the movie.
The plot is basically this: Something that was in one of those crates is killing people at the museum. The police, led by Lieutenant Vincent D'Agosta (Tom Sizemore), think that they are searching for a serial killer who happens to have the amazing ability to tear the heads off of bodies. Meanwhile, museum researcher Margo Green (Penelope Ann Miller) is making discoveries on her own as to what the thing is that is slaughtering people. Soon, the two are trapped in the museum with the beast, and are forced to fight for survival.
As if the plot weren't thin enough, director Peter Hyams stretches what could easily have been a decent half-hour "Tales From the Crypt" episode into a two-hour-long feature film. He does this by adding extra scenes of the monster jumping out at people and weak plot twists that only succeed in making this movie more ridiculous.
Even the title of the movie is irrelevant to the story. The supposedly important relic is merely an object that was found in another crate. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, except that it is thought to look like the beast (which it doesn't). A more fitting title for this flick would have been something like, "The Museum," or "Museum Predator." Or better yet, "Don't Watch This Movie Because It Sucks."
Some questions raised by this film are: Why would policemen who are routinely searching a building the day after a murder do it with their guns drawn? Why doesn't a brain-eating creature hunt during the daytime when the museum is filled with hundreds of cerebrum-carrying visitors? And what made the creators of this film think that they could insult our intelligence like this? The world may never know or care.
The film reaches a level of absolute absurdity when the creature begins to tear apart victims in cartoon-ish fashion. The carnage no longer seems horrifying (if it ever did to begin with) but more comical. This is just another way "The Relic" cries out to not be taken seriously.
Penelope Ann Miller, who received top billing for this film, is non-existent for much of the movie, except when she makes a silly final appearance near the end as MacGyver.
The gem of this film by far is Detroit-native Tom Sizemore, one of the most under-rated actors in Hollywood. In his first leading role after solid supporting performances in "Heat" and "Devil in a Blue Dress," Sizemore is convincing as the tough, hard-nosed cop, D'Agosta. Though his character's almost irrational superstitious behavior is trivial and unnecessary, it doesn't detract from the fact that Sizemore has proven his immense talent once again. Next time he should choose his roles a little better.
The long-awaited presentation of the third star of the film, the beast, is anticlimactic. So much time and effort is spent on keeping its appearance hidden. But when its Ripped-Off-From- "Predator" face is finally revealed, many creature-feature fans may choose this time to leave the theater in disappointment, if they haven't done so already.
Those who decide to stay will have the satisfaction of knowing the movie does eventually end. But that's the only satisfaction they're going to get.
If the people who made this film had any sense, they would have buried "The Relic" instead of releasing it to the public.
Tom Sizemore and Penelope Ann Miller search for a scary monster in "The Relic."