 | Katie Hutchins Shaking the Tree |
Rather than write some sappy, tear-filled reflection on my years at the Daily for this - my last - column, I thought I'd share with you some of the exciting e-mail I've gotten from nuts on campus this past year.
Sure, I've gotten a lot of compliments, but the far more interesting messages come from those who think I should be spayed.
It's hard to choose a favorite, because the loonies who can't take a joke write such articulate, logical and well-intentioned thoughts:
"Your article on women being able to talk themselves out of a (traffic) ticket, bull ... Thank you very much from one woman to another, you just fixed our wagons, even if we could 'tear' our way out of a ticket, after that article it certainly won't happen again. Couldn't you simply write about politics?"
Well, I tried writing about politics. Either nobody read my boring political columns, or College Republicans sent messages calling me an "extremist" and a perpetuator of "hate-filled bigotry."
But moving back to attempt-at-humor columns got me in trouble with both meat-eaters and animal rights activists.
Check out this lovely message from an animal lover: "Take a look in the mirror and I bet you will see in yourself the negative traits you attribute to this cat: selfish, nasty, rude and stuck-up."
And then this one from a meat eater: "If you think by not eating animals, it brings you closer to nature, it doesn't. In fact, it moves you farther away because humans are by nature carnivorous." Huh?
This yo-yo sent me a particularly long and fun-filled message, so I'll give him a little more space: "Also, if you want spiritual, take the Native Americans for instance. They were about as close to nature as any people could get, and they were carnivorous. And don't give me the old 'it's good for the environment' argument because I'm in SNRE, and I know exactly what's up. Third, as for 'in a politically correct world,' fuck politically correct because if that's not the dumbest shit to have come around in the last 20 years, I don't know what is." Okaaaaay. Sure.
And in response to my advocacy of family farms, not factory farms, he offered: "Besides not being cost-effective or efficient, it's just leading the animals on. They're being raised to be killed. It's like pampering and soothing a death row inmate before he is about to be executed."
And in case you missed it, I'm going to be spayed, put to sleep or convicted of a felony, according to this recent letter to the editor: "An old adage states that spaying and neutering makes an animal less aggressive and more friendly. It's unfortunate that the Humane Society can't expand its scope of operations. Katie Hutchins would be a perfect candidate for its first human spay patient." This reader is about to be laughed out of the Humane Society for submitting my cat column to the cruelty investigations unit.
And some people just can't handle my potty mouth: "Nice language in your editorial. Did you send a copy to your grandmother? A good journalist should be able to make a point without using four (seven) letter words." Journalist? Me? Who is this guy kidding?
Of course, not all the weirdos send me hate mail. Some of them actually like me. In response to my pro-smoking column last spring, I received this advice: "You didn't consider actually EATING your smoke while waiting to eat. ... For a fun Sunday breakfast (especially if you're drunk at the time) it is fun to ash into your pancakes as if the pancakes were your ashtray. They are called 'ashtray pancakes'... sort of like 'blueberry pancakes'... only without the blueberries. Try it some time."
And we can't forget the amount of play I've been getting in The Michigan Review lately. For those of you who've never heard of it, it's a forum for all the bonehead Republicans who couldn't make it at the Daily.
In their most recent issue, they called me the "Pretend Environmentalist Chick Who Nonetheless Wants to Kill Cute Little Kitty Cats." Aside from the fact that I've only once mentioned the environment in my columns (and even then, in passing), I didn't kill the cat. All those who haven't learned what sarcasm is can rest assured that I've found Pretty Kitty a safe home.
I can afford to be mean to the Review because they won't be able to get another issue out for at least six months, so I'm safe from further intellectually charged scrutiny.
Thanks, everyone, for reading. And I really did appreciate the e-mails from the sane people. It's been real.
- Katie Hutchins can be reached over e-mail at katieh@umich.edu