Phone sex.
Just saying those two words creates an overwhelming flood of negative images, a smorgesboard of sexual perversion - lonely losers forced to shell out at least $2.50 per minute to have an intimate encounter with an unenthusiastic and uninterested operator who could care less whether one wants to be gently stroked or whipped 'till you bleed.
But is there more to this sordid, profitable, supposedly shameful industry? Is phone sex more than some hot talk and a quick release? Would engaging in one phone conversation force me to obtain phone sex friends, to purchase phone sex clothes or set up some sort of phone sex lighting? These are the questions that I sought to answer.
So, armed with a listing of 900 numbers, a touch-tone phone and 30 dollars at my disposal, I decided to give the study of this phone sex business a more hands-on approach.
Passing on lines promising Catholic schoolgirls, horny housewives and/or kinky Asians, I set my journalistic sights on Eva's XXX Line. Calling up Eva, I was connected with a freak named Koko, who was all too eager to assist me in my pursuit of happiness.
The following is Koko's and mine enlightening conversation in its entireity - or our entire conversation that isn't too nasty to print, plus randomly inserted thoughts and criticism.
Koko: Hello?
The Michigan Daily: Hello.
Koko: Hi! How are you this evening?
Daily: I'm good, how are you?
Koko: Pretty good. What's your name?
Daily: Bryan.
Koko: Hi, Bryan, my name is Koko.
Daily: Hi Koko.
At this point, I was growing terribly tired of Koko's small talk - correct me if I'm wrong but this is phone SEX, is it not? I was surprised that she didn't ask about the weather or the condition of my family and pets.
Koko: So tell me a little about yourself
Daily: Um, well, I'm really horny.
Koko: You are? Well that's something - I am, too.
Daily: That's good. That's covenient.
Koko: What are you doing now? Are you naked?
Daily: Yeah. Are you?
All right, so I wasn't actually naked, I was sitting in the hallway of my editor's apartment with him alternately coaching me and laughing hysterically in the next room. However, lying seemed the best option for this present situation.
Koko: No, I have on a black teddy.
Daily: Oh! Take it off.
Koko: Just one second ... OK.
Daily: So, you're naked now? Mmm.
Koko: Mmm, butt naked!
OK, so Koko probably wasn't naked either but, as mentioned before, this was phone sex and nudity and fake orgasms are a large part of the protocol.
Daily: What are you gonna do to me?
Koko: Well, what do you like?
Daily: Everything.
Koko: Would you like for me to start off playing with your sausage?
Daily: Yeah.
Koko: You got a real nice size sausage?
Daily: It's pretty good.
Koko: Pretty good, huh.
Daily: No, it's huge!
Koko: It is?!? That's making me excited.
I confess, I'm not as astronomically hung as my outspoken phone sex counterpart, although Koko's persistent use of "sausage" in referring to my penis necessitated a slight exaggeration. Then, Koko's excitement prompted me to hold back the awful truth. Said use of sausage on Koko's part means one of two things: she's incredibly creative in her nasty-talk or she's incredibly hungry for pork products.
Daily: Oooh, yeah. Talk some more. Dirty.
Koko: Dirty? OK. All right, now I have your sausage in my hand. I'm stroking it, makin' it hard.
Daily: (Assorted groans.)
Koko: And what I'm gonna do next; I'm gonna take my tongue and lick on it. I'm lickin' and strokin' at the same time now.
Daily: Oh yeah, that's nice.
Koko: I'm playing with it. Now I'm taking it all in my mouth. Ooh, it's all in there! I can take it all!
Daily: Are you sure?
At this juncture in the phone call, I found it tremendously difficult to suspend my disbelief in Koko's interactions. I just wanted to skeptically answer her with "Your mouth's where? Sure it is, babe."
Daily: Mmm, yeah. Let's do something more, something else.
Koko: How about you lickin' on me?
Daily: Yeah.
Koko: Oh, don't stop.
Daily: Oh, but we have to.
Koko: Why?
Daily: 'Cause you gotta do somethin' to me now.
Koko: What you want me to do to you?
Daily: Get real creative now.
This comment was designed to prompt Koko to come up with conversation much more stimulating than what she'd thus far been saying. Perhaps, she could say something more appropos to the 976 number she at which she worked, instead of re-creating the duller scenes of "Girl 6."
Koko: Ooh.
Daily: What are you doin'?
Koko: Right now I'm playing with myself. Kinda hard to think when you're playing with yourself.
Daily: Yeah, you can get distracted easily. Are you getting wet?
Koko: Very. It's hard to concentrate.
Wanting now to instruct her in the art of talking dirty, I felt like screaming critical sarcasm like, "Oh, that's much more creative, Koko. And how deeply philosophical, too!"
Koko: OK. Imagine I'm riding you.
Daily: Oh yeah, keep it steady.
Koko: Hey, I'm not riding you forward - I'm riding you backward!
Now, Koko, I'm almost positive I didn't call this phone sex line to be chastized for getting into the groove of a certain sexual position, even if it isn't what you had in mind. With my tail between my legs, however, I continued.
Daily: Mmm. So, where are you from.
I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled at this point to learn more about my partner in this safest possible incarnation of carnal pleasure.
Koko: Fort Lauderdale.
Daily: Is it hot down there?
Koko: Very. It puts you in heat too much; like animals.
Daily: What do you look like?
Koko: Well, I'm 5'5'. I have long black hair, blue eyes, 125 pounds and size 42 DD bra.
Daily: Let's do something different now.
Koko: What about you, what do you want to do?
Daily: Let's do it doggy style!
Koko: Now we're talkin'.
Daily: Uhh. That's good. Mmm, we've got to hold it. Ahh, ohh, I'm going faster - as fast as I can. Like a racehorse, baby. Oh yeah!
It's quite pathetic that I was actually beginning to become more creative than Koko. People who have heard the tape of our conversation have even begun to comment that I should consider pursuing the dramatic arts by way of AT & T and Hustler as a career.
Koko: Ahh, don't stop, don't stop.
Daily: Keep goin'. Keep goin'.
Having never faked an orgasm before, I figured that a good, long growl would do the trick. That assuredly would be the point where my extensive expertise of porn films actually became useful.
Daily: Mmm, ohhh! Thank you, baby. That was great.
Koko: You're very much welcome.
Daily: Oh, you're the best.
Koko: I know.
Adhering to every phone sex stereotype you've ever heard, wholly unfulfilling and seemingly preoccupied with food, the Koko experience was somewhat less than the best, though truly informative and quite enjoyable, even if she was roughly as satisfying as a pager on vibrate and about as sensually creative as 2 Live Crew lyrics.
However, Koko did pop my erotic telecommunications cherry and for that I am grateful. Thank you 42 DD wearing, blue-eyed Koko from Ft. Lauderdale - but bone up on your Penthouse Forum reading before I call back.
MARGARET MYERS/Daily
Dirty talk over the phone is a real good time for some folks.