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Paul Serilla Serilla Warfare |
In America we have one institution that is bigger than apple pie or illegal campaign contributions. A tradition so powerful it outshines even the torch of Lady Liberty. Is it A) the Puritan work ethic; B) the country-music industry; C) a democratic system of governance that rewards competent politicians; or D) high-quality network television programming?
Actually the answer was E) none of the above. The institution that best characterizes the good ole' U.S. of A. is the multiple-choice test and for people ages six to 22, it pretty much nudges out baseball as the national pastime.
Only in America could you possibly pass an examination by randomly filling in circles on an answer sheet. Heck, you really don't even need the questions or even know the subject matter. But Americans don't just love multiple-choice tests because of the capitalist growth spurred by our world dominance in the production of No. 2 pencils - we are really in it for the sport.
On an essay exam, you know the answer or you don't. No one ever leaves an essay test praying that the statistics god grant one small miracle to shift the law of averages in favor of the letter 'C.' It's really the thrilling risks, the chance that keeps us bellying up to multiple-choice bar. Americans love to gamble and this is the best practice on the planet. All the years of penciling in scantron circles prepares Joe and Judy Americano for a rewarding life filling in remarkably similar circles on Super-Mega-Lotto-Jackpot-Extravaganza sheets or Keno cards at the Fabulous Tiki Lounge of Reno, Nev.
In fact it is a wonder that the kingpins of Vegas, Atlantic City and St. Ignace have not tapped in this treasure trove of chance. People walk into the casino of their personal predilection, grab a whiskey and soda from Fifi the cocktail waitress and pay 10 bucks to take a random multiple choice test, say on the literary masterworks of Idaho, weather patterns in Guam or something really obscure, like organic chemistry. Whoever gets the highest score walks out with a shiny new Buick and the rest of the suckers give it another shot or take on more intellectual pursuits, like video poker. Plus, you take side bets on what the mean will be or that the winner is sitting in seat G-95. I think the plan has potential.
Perhaps even our public schools could get involved for fundraising purposes. It would sure beat selling summer sausage and cheese logs to Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Herb. You could pay for the new pool or the new set of history books just by letting people bet on everything from first grade math quizzes to the SATs. I can even hear ESPN2 running for the coverage rights to fill that empty spot between the "World's Strongest Man Competition" and "NASCAR Today:" "Calling the Curve" with commentary by Chris Berman and hall-of-famer Yogi Berra.
Berman: "I like little Timmy Harris on Thursday's geography test, it's a long shot - he's 17-1 to score higher than 60 percent - but I think he's showing improvement."
Berra: "Yep, I really think the fourth grade is going to be Timmy's year."
I know what you're thinking: "Paul, your logic is solid, but are multiple-choice tests the answer to funding our public schools?"
Well, just look at the rousing success of using state lotteries to raise money for schools - oh wait, forget that, no one knows where that money goes. So, I guess just like a multiple choice test, your guess is as good as mine.
- Paul Serilla can be reached over e-mail at pserilla@umich.edu.