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Jack
Schillaci Jack in the Pulpit |
Ann Arbor's a great place to live. Every year, students vote to select the "Best of Ann Arbor" to celebrate the highlights of this town. But Ann Arbor is also a little weird and, let's face it, there are just some things that sometimes make you feel like you've slipped into a parallel universe. And so I present what I view to be the worst of Ann Arbor.
Worst City Institutions: Streets and Transportation and the Parking Bureau
What is with all these confusing roads? It seems like driving anywhere in this town involves driving down three one-way streets that go in the opposite direction of your destination. Then you drive around the block for half an hour in search of the one elusive parking space that turns out to be too small for any car bigger than a Volkswagon Bug anyway.
Of course, the city's Downtown Development Authority is working on the parking problem and will have some significant improvements real soon now. In the meantime, you can park three blocks from where you need to be and when you return, there's a $15 ticket stuck under your windshield wiper because your meter expired two minutes ago.
Most unreliable University service: The Information Technology Division
"I'm sorry, folks, the network is down in Angell Hall." I stared, my mouth agape, as the ITD consultant relayed the news. Everyone has an ITD horror story - how many times have you been three sentences away from finishing a paper when your Mac suddenly crashed and burned, setting you back an hour? Or how often do you have a paper due in five minutes and can't print it because your ITD account just ran out?
Then there are the "helpful" ITD consultants. Walking in to the consultant's area in Angell Hall is usually an exercise in futility - even if you aren't ignored, anyone responding to your question will either reply with "I don't know," or "Let me ask someone else," who undoubtedly won't know either.
Person most likely to inspire a cult following: Prof. Ralph Williams.
That is, if he doesn't already have one. Williams' students break down into two categories: Those who think he's the greatest thing since Pez dispensers and the rest of us who just don't get it. I am sure that Williams is as brilliant as he's cracked up to be but quite honestly, I don't understand what the big deal is. After the tenth time he screams "Yea, Nay," during one lecture, I start reading back issues of TV Guide cover to cover.
The devotion his biggest fans feel toward him is nothing short of idol worship. I know many of these "followers." A friend of mine recently got invited to his house for a discussion of Dante's "Inferno" and was so excited, I thought he was going to lose it right there. You couldn't wipe the smile off his face for a week.
Strangest Campus Monuments: Bell and clock towers.
The University seems to have an obsession with putting these gigantic phallic symbols all over campus. The Burton Memorial Tower juts up in the middle of Central Campus - the perfect cover photo for postcards and University pamphlets. The Lurie Bell Tower, finished last year, seems to legitimize North Campus - even though it will serve as little more than an eyesore until they stick a clock on it.
- Jack Schillaci is busy trying to find a parking space near the bell tower, but you can still e-mail him at jschilla@umich.edu.