Read my lips: I'll be the next Jimmy Carter

Joshua Rich Trivial Pursuits

Until just recently, I was a typical college senior - fed up with classwork, desperate to find a post-graduate occupation and totally clueless as to what to do about any of it.

And then I turned on CNN.

In front of my eyes the unthinkable was occurring: the dedication of the George Herbert Walker Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas. It seems everyone has apparently forgotten George Bush's true roots: a native New Englander who went to Yale University, Bush has probably spent more time walking his late dog Millie than living in the Lone Star state.

Nevertheless, all the old boys were there. Gerry, Jimmy, George and Bill. They were grinning and shaking hands. They took turns cracking witty sweet nothings to the press corps - comments that would surely sound dumb and insensitive were they not said by former Commanders-in-Chief.

That's the job for me, I thought. Ex-President of the United States.

It would be perfect: safer than being the president, much more fun, no one to yell at me, memoirs to publish, history books to watch myself enter, photo opportunities with the other living members of my exclusive club, boards of directors of public interest firms to sit on and lots and lots and lots of money to make.

But please, don't get me wrong. I have no interest in becoming the actual president; I think it is one of the worst jobs anyone could have. And I have absolutely no chance of getting elected until my beloved hometown of Washington, D.C., becomes a state (which is to say that I am positive that I will never get the job).

Still, being an ex-president would be pretty nice. About five years after I would have left office, once everyone has forgotten what a schmuck I was and how I led the nation into the ground, I would have a monument built to myself - a library that would return me to the spotlight I once hated as much as broccoli. From then on I could attempt to revise history so that I may die clinging to a shred of dignity. Even Richard Nixon was able to do that without getting caught.

I know that I would be the perfect ex-president because, since I will have never held the office of chief executive, I, like George Bush, will have done nothing while in office. Already, I deserve a library more than he does: Bush was president for 1,461 days, and he has an $80 million library in his "honor" to show for it. That's $54,757 per day in office. I'd say I'm worth at least $55,000.

Of course, I'm sure Bush's library is filled with some great stuff, like photos of him and his grandchildren, him and Newt Gingrich, and him giving the Skull and Bones secret handshake to an old Yale buddy. Lest we forget that in four years all the guy could accomplish was the Americans with Disabilities Act, a depression and a botched war. (Isn't it funny that Bush re-emerges at the same time that his old enemy Saddam Hussein is getting antsy again!)

As I see it, being an ex-president is a position that requires no interview, no application and no dreaded resumé or cover letter. Ex-presidents don't need to apply for their jobs, they just grow into them. Just ask Ronald Reagan: he started acting as an ex-president back in 1983.

Considering my predecessors' track records, I know I'm the perfect candidate. I've already got my path to the ex-presidency planned to a tee. All I have to do is grow old, become slightly more conservative, get mean and ugly and learn how to hit a golf ball, and the job will be mine.

As an ex-president, I would serve my favorite constituent: me. Accordingly, many former presidents have spent the time quite well. George Washington got to ride horses and speak at the dedication of a few cider mills and blacksmith shops before keeling over while frolicking in the snow. Thomas Jefferson spent the time inventing new gadgets and impregnating the ladies of the house. Lyndon Baines Johnson got to fish and use profanity whenever he damn well pleased. Gerald Ford, when he's not tripping over his own shadow, gets to be the only human being not immediately associated with the Michigan Athletic Department to have access to Wolverine football practices.

But strangely, the presidents with lackluster resumés are the ones who have done the most since leaving office; it is they who I aspire to imitate in my profession. William Howard Taft became the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Herbert Hoover was the nation's darling elder statesman for some 30 years. James Earl Carter saves the world with his bare hands.

I can't wait until I tell my parents, "Mom and Dad, I want to be the next Jimmy Carter!" What could possibly make them more proud?

- Joshua Rich can be reached over e-mail at jmrich@umich.edu

11-10-97