Help Me Harlan

Help me Harlan

Dear Harlan,

I've been going with my boyfriend for three years. We know we're going to get married and have talked about it frequently. I'm not in a big hurry, but I'd like to get married in the next two years. Whenever I mention this, my boyfriend gets mad and says I'm pushing.

He says he wants to wait until he has a better job. I totally understand, but in the four years I've known him, he hasn't known what he wants to do or what would make him happy. I know he loves me and wants to marry me, but I just don't want to be waiting forever to get married.

What should I do?

- Waiting eagerly

Dear Waiting,

It's like eating at a restaurant with bad service. You either stay seated and get irritated or you just get up and leave.

What feels right for you may not feel so right for him. And considering about half of all marriages fail, you can't rush into anything with hopes it will work itself out.

Just put together a timeline and get your boyfriend to put together a plan. If in a year or two, he's still not ready to make the commitment you need, consider finding someone who can.

And be aware, if it's more an issue of commitment, consider seeking couples therapy and talking this one through with a professional.

Dear Harlan,

My sister has lots of problems. Each time I talk to her on the telephone I get depressed. She's usually angry and since many of her troubles concern my brother and our parents, I believe she's angry because I'm not getting involved.

I hate talking to her.

Since we live over 500 miles from each other, I don't call her more than once every two months. I dread our conversations, but feel guilty because she tells me she's unable to work and is under the care of a psychiatrist.

What should I say or do when she complains? Am I being a weenie?

- Constant complainer

Dear Complainer,

Not a weenie, just a little bit whinee.

Be very proud that your sister has found help. Taking into account that two-thirds of those suffering from depression never seek treatment, the fact your sister has even taken this first step should make you extremely hopeful.

Dealing with a loved one in crisis doesn't come naturally to everyone. If you seek to have a closer relationship with your sister, you need to learn about depression and what that means. The main idea is to develop the ability to listen and support without passing judgment. It's about offering compassion and listening. Although she's 500 miles away and you may not often talk, at least let her know you're always there for her.

And, if after learning about depression, you still find talking with your sister is too difficult, consult a professional counselor and see how you can help yourself help your sister. Anything you can give would mean the world!

11-20-97