So You Want To Be A Landlord ...

Bryan Lark Daily Arts Editor

The following is a lease designed not for prospective Ann Arbor tenants, but for those landlords who are eagerly awaiting the arrival of naive first-time renters. Those of you who are or are looking to become a landlord will first be expected to resign a year of your life and wages over to me upon finishing this preposterous document.

Thank you in advance.

I, (state your name), being of sound mind and body, agree to preside over the less-than-blue-chip property located at 123 That St. for the period of one year from September to September, with no exceptions for change of career, change of school, death or decapitation.

By signing this lease I, (state your name), am responsible for every waking desire my tenant may have and every repair the property may need. I will read the below articles carefully and sign in blood upon completion, at which time this pact is set in stone. I am bound to this property. I will give my youth to it. I should think twice about signing this.

Article I. I, as the landlord, will tell my tenants, at the time of leasing, everything there is to know about the property. I will not conveniently keep anything from my tenant. If electricity is not included, I will tell him or her. If there is no thermostat in the apartment, I will tell him or her. If there is a gaping hole in the bathroom ceiling that allows shower drainage from above floors to pour into the property, I will tell him or her.

Article II. I will fix gaping holes in the bathroom ceiling or solve any other problems including, but not limited to, broken stairs, wasps' nests and those two dead bodies in the cellar, immediately upon receiving notice. I understand that immediately means now, not tomorrow, not Tuesday, not when I get back from the bar.

Article III. I will maintain room temperature at the property. I understand that this does not mean turning on the heat on Aug. 28th creating a late-summer tropical paradise of the property. I also understand that I will eventually turn the furnace off after my tenant complains of heat rash. I also understand that I will, someday, have to turn the heat back on prior to the onset of hypothermia.

Article IV. I will inform my tenant prior to move-in that he or she is screwed when it comes to parking spaces. I will tell him or her that he or she does not have a parking space, per se, rather a place in a small, overcrowded driveway that can leave a car blocked in for hours on end. I will also inform the tenant of illegal parking procedures which can lead to fines and/or towing from the comfort of his or her home.

Article V. I will treat tenants with respect and kindness, for if I do not, I understand that they will become extremely dissatisfied and may express their disgust in daily publications.

I, (state your name), have read and understood the above articles and am willing to meet the demands my tenants ask of me. I understand that if I take advantage of naive first-time renters by disobeying any of the above, my tenants reserve the right to put the Board of Health, the CIA and/or the FBI on speed dial. And they reserve the right to get medieval on my ass.

- Bryan Lark can be reached via e-mail at blark@umich.edu

11-20-97