The Daily says:

Fast-food workers are abuzz with talk of their alma-mater

NICHOLAS J. COTSONIKA The Greek Speaks

Baby talk is buzzing throughout the fast-food business these days. Everyone who operates a drive-thru window in this state, or slops together a Big Mac or a Whopper, wants to know how their alma mater, Michigan State, will do this weekend.

"Uhhhh," said one Michigan State grad, who could not provide the spelling of his name. "We do good. We only losed this many games."

The guy was holding up two fingers, but I'm guessing he meant one: that debacle last week in Evanston. Hey, let's face it. Choking is a Michigan tradition, but those Spartans had to go and try it themselves, thoroughly ruining what could have been a match of near equals this Saturday.

So we're left with the same old story: Michigan State hoping to make its whole season by beating Michigan. How sad. The Wolverines have more rivals than a Spartan can count - such as Ohio State, Notre Dame and Penn State (that's three) - all of which are teams that play for titles. The Spartans have the Wolverines, an inferiority complex and a future in french fries.

Of course, there's no question Michigan State has played pretty well this year. Coach Nick Saban has done an admirable job, and his psychological techniques have been near genius. Look what he did with that offensive line:

"Now, guys, this is just like class," Saban told them. "You know when the guy up in the front of the class - you know, the farmer - looks the other way, and you fool around? Blocking is just like that. Just pretend you're cow-tipping."

"So," one Spartan said, "if blocking is like cow-tipping, is scoring like what we do with the sheep?"

"No," Saban said. "We can't have everything."

Those are just the athletes. It gets worse. Take, for example, a study recently completed by the Michigan Alumni Association. In it, the association asked Michigan alums to talk to their employees and servants about the Michigan State experience. The results have since been passed on to welfare officials, but some have been made public.

Michigan alum: "What did you learn in East Lansing?"

Spartan One: "Uhhhh. Where?"

Michigan alum: "The place with the jungle gym. Michigan State."

Spartan Two: "Oh, yeah. It was pretty cool. There was, like, a lot of root beer and chicks and stuff."

Spartan One: "We, like, learned that Michigan sucks, and Michigan State rocks. And, uhhhh, like, the Wolver-weiners are impressing us and stuff."

Spartan Two: "Hey, Butt-head. You mean oppressing us."

Spartan One: "Whoa, yeah. You're, like, pretty smart."

Spartan Two: "Yeah, I know. Gimme some nachos."

Interviewers also inquired about two odd occurrences on the Michigan State campus. The first was the guarding of Sparty, the statue many in East Lansing feel is ready to take off for Ann Arbor at any moment.

Spartan One: "We're, like, gonna sit here all night and stuff. We can't let it get away, go to Ann Arbor, and be cool. It might score or something."

The second issue raised was of the bonfires that tend to follow important victories by the Spartans. Would a victory over Michigan ignite the state?

Spartan Two: "Yeeeeah! Fire! Fire! Fire! I am the Great Spart-holio! Are you Wolverines? Fire! Fire! Fire!"

Ahhh. It's nice to see some Spartans will be prepared for the working world. Burger King flamebroils its burgers.

- Nicholas J. Cotsonika can be reached via e-mail at cotsonik@umich.edu

10-23-97