Welcome to the 'U': An open letter to New York students

As a public institution, U of M is home to more than its fair share of out-of-state students. Of these students, a large portion come from the greater New York area. Given that your homeland has such a strong personality, I thought in my capacity as a native, I would give some advice to the advancing New Yorkers to make your transition a little more comfortable.

James Miller Miller On Tap

Dear fellow students,

A few things to keep in mind:

-- I didn't make the goddamned bagels. Walk to Zingerman's or shut up. Baked goods don't make you cultured.

-- It breaks my heart that your exile in Mayberry RFD takes you away from important things like New York-style pizza slices. You probably won't be able to find other things you are used to having, like seething hatred, open racial strife, rampant street crime, six-foot-tall, gun-toting drag queens, $5 cups of coffee and vast stretches of people sleeping in their own urine.

-- Most in-state students are simple farm folk. When you speak of witnessing such culturally significant events as Blues Traveler at the Wetlands, we may gawk at your cultural superiority.

At first you may find that there is nothing here in Hooterville hip and erudite enough to suit your advanced tastes. Don't worry, you'll think of something. In fact, native Ann Arbor students often forget just how boring their city is. They may even think, "Gosh, if my town sucks so hard, why would someone travel hundreds of miles and spend thousands of dollars to live and learn here?"

Dispel this foolish notion simply by wandering around the halls of Markley whining through your nose, "There's nothing to do here!"

-- If at first you have trouble making friends, try this. Talk to anyone who will listen about the really excellent rave you went to this one time in "The City." Brag about your consumption of whatever Rolling Stone says is the drug of the month. If your mark exhibits mollified admiration at your cultural depth, congratulations! You've found a friend. If not, the poor kid probably has not been to anything more exciting than a barn raising and therefore does not have the faculties to cope with you.

-- Remember, having lived in one state all their lives, in-staters will be weak in the geography department. If you live anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour from New York City proper, just say you're from New York City anyway. This will avoid confusion and embarrassment for all parties concerned. Remember, to the barbarians, Rome could have been any outpost of civilization. By the same logic, Westport, Conn. = New York City.

-- As the standard bearer for the civilized world, you must behave in such a manner that makes the local yokels want to imitate you and thus raise their station in life. For men the uniform is: huge jeans, wallet chain and Airwalk shoes. Swagger a lot.

For women: microscopic, ribbed baby-doll t-shirt, preferably with something witty like "Spoiled" or "Girl" written on the front; tight black pants; big shoes, something that looks like an unhappy marriage between clogs and hiking boots; finally, earrings, big and silver.

Makeup is good too. And not any of that Body Shop garbage. Lipstick. Brown. And lots of it. It also helps if your skin exhibits the kind of healthy brown glow normally associated with drum heads.

-- Realize you are the keeper of the King's English as well. The locals will appreciate a lesson now and again. Sample sentences like "Yo, kid, ain't no way I'm gonna be goin' to no classes 'n shit today" and "Hey, I gots a phatty blunt" are simple enough for the locals to learn quickly. Ladies, educate your dumpy sisters with a piercing "I'm a Kappa! Are you in a saw-rawr-aty?"

-- Be prepared for some of the farm people to think that you are spoiled. You may encounter this attitude at certain times, driving your Jeep Cherokee or Ford Explorer to Taco Bell, for example. Nip this idea in the bud by telling the natives how hard you worked to get this car. Something like, "Hey, I had to get all 'C's to get this car."

-- A little financial tip from me to you: Meijer has the best deal in town on Marlboro Lights. I would go with the X-tra Val-U three-pack at $6 even, because your parents work hard for that money, I guess.

-- Apparently, this Hilfiger guy is bigger than Jesus. Slather yourself with Him.

Remember, this is my city, but it's your world. Treat it as such.

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu.

09-03-97