Underwear-clad celebrities aren't that intimidating

What do Debbie Gibson, Howard Stern and Rupaul have in common?

Absolutely nothing - except for the fact that, in the past year, I have come face to face with each of them and felt highly intimidated by all three stars.

Jen Petlinski State of the Arts

So you may not agree that Debbie Gibson is a star, but I think of her as having a strong place in my childhood. I had the black bowler hat, and I knew every single song of hers by heart, even the ones on the "Electric Youth" album.

Yet this past summer, I saw her sitting in the audience of a movie screening in small-town New Jersey: darker hair, no hat, but still the same Debbie (despite the fact that she calls herself Deborah now). I was so starstruck that I couldn't even ask her for her autograph. Intimidated by Debbie Gibson?

Later that summer, I ran into Howard Stern as I was walking to a job interview in New York City. He was deep in conversation with another man, while he was walking into a building on 40th Street. A million questions launched into my mind - about "Private Parts," his radio show and if he'd sign an autograph for my father, The Fan of All Fans - yet I was paralyzed.

We walked right past each other.

A year ago, Rupaul was signing his book, "Letting It All Hang Out," in a New Jersey mall. I went with my friend, who happens to be a huge fan of Rupaul. My friend bought the book and totally schmoozed with Rupaul, while he/she was signing, as if they'd been best friends their entire lives. Although I didn't buy the book, I thought because I was with someone who bought it, that Rupaul would be kind enough to sign my dollar bill. I asked her (from now on in this column, Ru is a "she") like a stuttering, cowering, blushing fool, if she would sign it.

"No sweetie, but I'll shake your hand," was the response. This was my one chance to have a confident interaction with a star and I was dissed.

Three encounters gone bad; three opportunities to be assertive and engage in normal conversation with three famous, but, let's not lose sight of this, human people.

Some say, when you are afraid to speak with people, you should picture them naked and that will make you loosen up. Since I'd rather not see these three completely naked, I'll just make up my own exercise.

Imagine, if you will: Debbie, Howard and Rupaul are in a laundromat, of which I am the manager. (Hey, it may not be the most powerful position in the world, but these stars will be in my store, where I am in charge.)

They are doing their underwear/sock load. Debbie is humming "Lost In Your Eyes," as she watches her sunshine underwear in the dry cycle; Rupaul proceeds to try on her favorite leopard-skin pair, convinced it has shrunk; Howard is looking at both like they're crazy. At the same time, he is folding his underwear discreetly, trying to hide the cotton home of his small genitalia.

DEBBIE: (humming) I get weak ... in a glance. Isn't this what's called romance?

RUPAUL: Girlfriend, everybody say love! Tell Ru about your romance.

DEBBIE: What are you? My mother told me never to talk to transves - I mean, strangers. It's electric.

RU: Girl, I ain't getting a message of pure love from you. You've got sunshines on your undies, yet you aren't the accepting flower child you appear to be. You better work on that.

HOWARD: Can you fruitcakes can it please? Jesus, if I wanted a headache I could've stayed home and watched Kathie Lee on a Christmas special.

RU: (to Debbie) You gonna let him talk to us like that, sugar?

HOWARD: I refuse to take anything seriously who is prancing around a laundromat in its lingerie. Gimme a real woman and that's a different story.

RUPAUL: Real woman, huh? I'm ALL woman. Brush that mop hair out of your eyes and check it out.

DEBBIE: (to "Electric Youth") Feel her power, see her energy, comin' up, coming up strong.

See? Wasn't that fun? Now Howard, Debbie and Rupaul don't seem so untouchable - at least to me they don't.

Who knows? Maybe if I saw them again, I'd speak up. After all, I've seen them with their underwear, haven't I?

-Jen Petlinski is a Daily arts editor. You can reach her over e-mail at petlinsk@umich.edu.

09-03-97