"Excuse me?" Search for hidden meanings behind what you're told

When it comes to college, everyone seems to have advice. In case you haven't noticed, this period of your life is called a "crucial turning point," and gives family members, authority figures and distant relatives an excuse to tell you all of their old college stories, followed by concise tidbits of advice.

You may be thinking, "Gee, I haven't gotten this much attention since I fell off the stage during the Very Young Democrats Award Ceremony in fifth grade."

Alice Robinson Alice's Wonderland

But as the urgent one-line reminders pile up, you will most likely begin to feel like those around you think you are going off to live in seclusion in a Buddhist temple for four years.

In order to help you survive the first few precarious weeks, it's helpful to know what people actually mean when they say certain things to you. This includes not only family members, but a myriad of University characters who are sure to enter your life soon, whether you like it or not.

For example, when your mother says, "You're going to have so much fun," she really means, "Please don't got any body parts pierced like that girl we just passed on State Street."

When your father says, "Call me if you need any money," he really means, "Call me if you need any money for the first week."

When your younger sister says, "I'll write to you!" she really means, "Yes! Now I get your room!"

When your brother says during your first phone call home, "Uh, do you guys like study there and stuff?" he really means, "Uh, do you guys like study there and stuff?"

Of course, you may also be puzzled by the things many people say to you while you're at the University. Allow me to be of assistance.

When your graduate student instructor says, "I expect you to analyze all facets of the issue and flush out your reasoning with various examples to strengthen your paper," he really means, "I don't expect you to skip any fraternity parties Friday night to work on this, but if you use lots of big words and bullshit well you might still get a B."

When your bubbly new resident advisor says, "Feel free to come to me if you need anything at all," she really means, "You'll probably see me two days out of the next eight months, but that's why I have this cute dry-erase board with cows on it on my door, right?"

When your academic advisor looks at your high school transcript and says, "Well, you did good in French, have you considered studying abroad?" he really means, "The French department told me they would have to shut down if they didn't get more students - whaddya say I sign you up as a concentrator?"

When your first-year seminar on plant life professor says, "This course was designed to have sort of a less burdening work load, which is essential so that we can explore the topic deeply and thoroughly and immerse ourselves in the central theme," she really is saying, "This class is a piece of cake!"

When the Rho Chi in charge of your rush group gushes, "I like, love your sweater," she really means, "I would never be caught dead wearing that hideous piece of argyle, but I, like, totally have to say something to go with the permanent smile plastered on my face!"

When the ATM machine asks, "Would you like to make another transaction?" it really means, "I know you're in a big rush and you have class in two minutes, but I really enjoy asking you incredibly useless questions just to aggravate you."

When the nurse at University Health Services says, "If you have any problems with the medication, let me know," he really means, "I hope you don't react to this stuff like the last guy who vomited all night."

When the surly staffer at your residence hall's front desk says, "Sorry, the vacuum is on loan right now," she actually means, "I'm only making $5.25 at this measly job, and in the last 2 minutes - while I have been wasting my time with you - I could have read three more paragraphs of Danielle Steele."

When the CRISP lady says over the phone, "Please enter the credit hours," don't be fooled. What the familiar electronic voice really means is, "You have half a millisecond to press the damn number, kid, or I will lead you into voice-mail hell!"

When the computer screen says, "An unexpected error has occurred," it really means, "I like this little icon of a bomb about to explode, so I made up a reason to put it on your screen, and by the way, I haven't saved any of your work!"

In case any of these scenarios have left you a little bit disillusioned about coming to college, one last piece of advice: relax and have fun!

-- Alice Robinson is a Daily staff reporter. She can be reached over

e-mail at alicer@umich.edu.

09-03-97