Navigating the 'U' -- and getting burnt to a CRISP

I like the CRISP system. Not because I enjoy being on hold, planning my future or listening to the CRISP lady's strangely erotic sermon every time I call up (okay, that last one isn't that bad). But the real reason I like CRISPing is the reactions that can be observed in your fellow students.

James Miller Miller On Tap

College students usually don't like to talk about their schedules, classes, plans for the future, career aspirations and all that other nonsense. The desire to do that is usually driven out of us by a passel of pushy, nosy relatives at holiday dinners ("What the hell are you going to do with that when you graduate? Huh? Mr. College Student? Why don't you just get a castrating, lifeless job with Corporate America, a drinking problem and start beating your wife? Hell, worked for me!") CRISPing forces us to make decisions about life that require advice which, oftentimes, comes from our friends. Given the fact that concentrations and classes have been discussed ad nauseum this week, I believe I have gained some special insight into these things.

At the risk of perpetuating a few stereotypes and incurring upon myself a mountain of terrifying e-mail, I give you: University concentrations. Due to space constraints, I have left many programs off this list, but I feel this will give a general idea of the kind of people who populate our campus.

Engineering: This is a major to make people who are smart intolerable. Engineering students are the most dangerous people on campus because, since they are already smart people, they don't need to spend an awful lot of time on homework, leaving their massive intellects free to other pursuits (i.e., forming unnatural relationships with personal computers). If you've ever wondered how a human being can take classes like "Theoretical Algebra," "Elementary Particle Physics" and "Fluid Dynamics" and not become dreary, lifeless and celibate, watch a few of these guys. (Hint: they can't.)

Recommended courses: Math 281, Can You Afford Another "Star Wars" T-shirt?; Physics 363, Peeking Through Blouse Sleeves To Keep Yourself From Going Insane and Computer Science 226, Yahoo, Lycos or Alta Vista: Who Has The Best Nudie Pictures?

The School of Natural Resources: Or, "You mean I can climb mountains, look at rocks, weave hemp jewelry and smoke hash by the metric ton for four years, and get a degree!? Hot damn! What box do I circle?" If you've ever wondered where the people who run wilderness retreats, own camping gear stores and generally are smelly, hairy and tie-dyed for a living come from, try the SNRE neck of the woods.

Recommended courses: Right. Like they'd show up.

The B-School: Do any of these news stories sound familiar? A large corporation dumps toxins into a river and gives an entire town brain tumors or sold dangerous, carcinogenic products to the public. Now, if it ever crossed your mind to ask where a person would learn to do something like that, walk out of East Quad, and it's on your left. (Imagine that, something being to the left of East Quad.)

Recommended courses: International Business 423, Keeping Thai Hooker Girlfriends As A Business Expense; Finance 111, Can You Think Of Anything More Important Than Huge Bonuses and Unearned Salaries? Neither Can We! and Management 232, Sweatshops, Sweatshops, Sweatshops!

The Residential College: Being an RC student, I have a special reverence for this part of the University family. RC students are easy to spot. We rail against the excesses of the capitalist system and spend $70 on Bob Dylan tickets. We think putting "Visualize World Peace" bumper stickers on our cars might actually save lives. We think the Bill of Rights applies to flag-burners and performance artists but not gun owners and KKK members. In short, we are what the conservatives think of when they think of liberals.

Recommended courses: Social Science 225, Why The Rest Of The World Isn't As Smart As You Are; History 115, Victim Status As A Shortcut To Intellectual Recognition; Econ 423, Using Your Parents' Money To Fight The Bourgeoisie; Philosophy 220, Existentialism And Black Clothing and Humanities 333, Pigtails, Barettes, Halter Tops, Costume Jewelry And A Useless Degree As Methods Of Avoiding Adulthood.

Remember, these are just suggested schedules and concentrations. Your counselor can really help you plan your future. He has an opening sometime next winter.

-- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu.

09-03-97