A theater too great to be good?

Bryan Lark Daily Arts Editor

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, my head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I just had to stop somewhere, whether or not it was for the night didn't concern me. But instead of giving in to drowsy driving or fits of road rage, I spied an oasis in this barren wasteland - an oasis waiting to be found, waiting to entertain, waiting to quench my every consumer thirst.

Can it be so? Do I see a Star Theater marquee rising over this Southfield horizon? Or is this bright vision of commercialism only a mirage?

No, the Star Southfield Entertainment Complex is real - it's beautiful, it's baroque, it's, it's the most gigantic thing I've ever seen.

The complex is the most state-of-the art facility in Michigan for the presentation and viewing of movies with its stadium-style seating, THX-approved digital sound system and huge, wide, curving screens. However, such optimum technology is not the Star's major malfunction.

Let's just say that the Star's atmosphere is a little less than the subtle, comfortable, functional surroundings we Ann Arborites are spoiled with on a daily basis. But, the Star does give us the chance to get down off our Michigan Theater high horses and rub elbows with John and Jane Q. Public at one of 10 7 p.m. screenings of "Batman and Robin."

Once the initial awe subsides over the sheer size of the very phallic marquee, you are free to spend 20 minutes searching the endless rows of blacktop for a parking space.

After the hike to the front door that lasts roughly as long as a WalkAmerica event, you reach the entranceway constructed of some sparkling cement products and scattered with GM (a theater benefactor) cars and neon logos, setting an enviable precedent of being an unapologetic sellout from day one. Right on!

The first thing you see, I mean after the neon rod or the Dodge Neons, upon entering the extremely complex complex is the overwhelming electronic board listing the names and showtimes of the movies on all 20 screens. It can really double for something out of your worst Big- Brother nightmares.

Next, after you choose a film (or does the Man choose for you?) and shell out the seven bucks, you are then welcome to browse the main lobby, which features a full service concession stand marked by the strangely exciting sight of a 50 foot popcorn bucket with real popping kernels - a fun thing to watch but you'd be best advised to avoid the hot butter sprinkler.

As you work your way through the jungles of kids and video games, you pass the welcoming signs of the restrooms. Decorated in black and white with great movie bathroom scenes above the sinks, stalls and urinals, you're sure to make friends or enemies answering nature's calls while trying to covertly glance at pictures of Julia Roberts and Macaulay Culkin.

All right, you've got your tickets, your airbrushed mug and mesh hat, your fried cheese sticks, your jumbo popcorn, your bladder-filling Coke - now you're ready to find your movie.

If you ever do get to sit down and enjoy the film, it makes the entire odyssey worthwhile, what with all the aforementioned amenities plus plush seats and extended leg room - yes, you tall people can enjoy a movie in comfort without having to place your legs behind your head!

Besides the simple functionality and comfort of the individual auditoriums, the Star Southfield seems to have a credo: More is more - more movies, more showtimes, more food, more bathroom stalls, more baby-changing tables, more people, more airborne diseases, more outlandish decor, more product placement, more, more, more!

No matter how absurd or indecisive this new multiplex appears to be, it is sure of one thing. With 20 movies, enough sustenance for three days and extremely comfortable seats, it's a full guilty pleasure for moviegoers where you can finish your movie anytime you like - but you can never leave.

-Bryan Lark doesn't always spout Eagles' lyrics and can be reached at blark@umich.edu

09-04-97