Help Me Harlan

Harlan Cohen

Dear Harlan,
I've recently been up to some mischief on the Internet. Now, it seems as if it's all going to catch up to me.

I've been corresponding with a girl from another state and have pretended to be something I'm not. The thing is that in two weeks' time, she's coming to see me and now I can't get out of it! What am I going to do? We've know each other for eight months.

Please help!

-My tangled web

Dear Tangled,

What makes you think she's a woman?

As far as you know, this "girl" is some 78-year-old beer belching man dressed in a soiled tank-top and black socks sitting alone in his dark dank basement surfing the Web til dawn and scanning pictures of half-naked women he likes to call Candy.

Your mouse has gotten way out of hand!

It's absolutely ridiculous to say you "can't get out of it!" All you need to do is type four words, "Sorry, must cancel visit!" Then press send.

If the past eight months have been so wonderful, perhaps she can handle the truth and move forward.

But, if you're positive the truth is just too shocking, save her the heartache and e-mail her a message ending your relationship. Tell her you've moved to a Third World country without computers or something ...

You absolutely CAN'T allow this person to travel to your home and knock on your door knowing you're everything you're not and more...

Besides it being very wrong, I hope it's not illegal too!

Dear Harlan,
Three months ago I moved in with my roommate, whom I also work with and have known about six months. I hate him!!!

I know he goes in my room when I'm not there and goes through my stuff (like taking a few of my condoms from my drawer) and he goes in my closet and bathroom. What's up with that?

I really want out of this roommate deal and I'm the only name on the lease. Should I get rid of him?

My girlfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable and mean for wanting to kick him out. I disagree. What's your take on the situation?

-Invasion of privacy

Dear Invasion,

You should strap one of those mini-cameras to your condoms. This way you can see who exactly is sneaking in your drawers and rummaging through your possessions.

You didn't say you've tried approaching him, right?

Before changing the locks and evicting the friend you hate, at least you can have the courtesy to discuss the situation with him. Even if he has the poorest of explanations, at least, he'll know the next time he wants to do go shopping in your room, he'll need to shop for a new apartment.

At least give him fair warning and one last chance. And, in case you do get that condom-cam, please, be sure to send over copies.

09-04-97