'Jones for CRISP' is only the beginning

Student: Alrighty, I got my classes all picked out, here we go, just have to dial old 9-9-8-1-8-8-1.

James Earl Jones (Darth Vader): "THIS IS U OF M, press 1 NOW."

Student: "Hey, cool, I guess that whole 'James Earl Jones for CRISP Lady Task Force' pulled it off - I'll just put in my class now ... Poli. Sci. 3-0-5."

Paul Serilla Serilla Warfare

James Earl Jones (voice of "This is CNN"): "You have selected Particle Physics course 7-8-9 - if this is not correct, press 1 now."

Student: "I must have typed it in wrong, I'll just press 1."

James Earl (That's right, I was in "Patriot Games" too): "I am altering the schedule, you must take Particle Physics 789 - pray I don't alter it any further."

Student: "What? No way. I'll just press 3 to swap classes; that'll show old James Earl whose schedule this is."

Mr. Jones ("Hunt for Red October"): "Three is now inactive, your ability to change your schedule is insignificant next to the power of the force."

Student: "Dammit James Earl, you're screwing up my schedule more than that stupid computer woman and 14 separate LSA advisors did. I hate you. I hate everything, forget all of you, that's right, I'm pressing 7 ... 7 to disenroll!"

His friends call him Jimbo (not to mention I won two Tonys and two Emmys): "You pressed 7 ... I find your lack of faith disturbing, good bye."

Well, maybe it would all work out fine if the University's most famous alumnus (President Gerry who?) took the reigns as the students' telephone registration emissary (CRISP Dude sounds like a cereal, not a real job), but I think we should all be cautious in supporting the introduction of the leading practitioner of the "dark side" into our registration system.

Seriously, this CRISP reform idea is very original and it has some promise, but let's make sure we aren't backing James Earl for the wrong reasons. Michigan Student Assembly Vice-President Olga Savic was recently quoted on this topic. She told the Daily, "I think it would be a great service to students because it would reduce student stress while registering."

Reducing stress? Yeah, right. If we had given her any more space to comment, she probably would have endorsed the plan as the only hope to end world hunger. Please folks, let's not blow this thing out of proportion. There is only one reason to bring in Big Jim. And that is because everyone who doesn't attend this University will think our registration system is really boss and everyone who goes here will know it is.

This CRISP plan is about one campus rising up and saying to everyone else, "Hey, we got James Earl Jones, whatta you got?" This is college, the beginning of adulthood and the last real chance to be immature and brag about something that shouldn't matter but for some reason seems really cool (tomorrow maybe it won't be so cool, but who cares about tomorrow).

For example, I just found out that the president of the student government at Berkeley is none other than the lovable scamp who played Chunk in "Goonies" and Cornell has the actor who played Data (also played Short Round in "Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom"). I mean, I like Mike Nagrant and all, but really, people - we are talking "Goonies," probably the best Corey Feldman movie of all time. To my knowledge, we have no minor celebrities currently on campus and frankly, I am little jealous of schools that do.

Hiring James Earl could be the first step in a new phase of higher education, the celebrity endorsement phase. I think the idea is great, instead of labeling everything on campus with the name of big contributors, every class, University building, program and college gets endorsed by a celebrity. You eat lunch in the Julia Child Cafeteria, study in the Richard Simmons Graduate Library or take Philosophy 101 endorsed by hall-of-famer Yogi Berra. It would also clear up the inconsistencies in college ranking systems. Let's face it folks, if you got accepted to both the Itzak Perlman and David Lee Roth schools of music, which would you attend?

The "James Earl for CRISP Lady" plan is just the beginning. First, we could hire James Earl on a full-time basis and give him Bollinger's office, - and what the heck, his house too. Then we could get him a Ford Explorer to match all those parked by Crisler and after that make him the Michigan Wolverines' starting nose tackle. Then why not carry him around campus on our shoulders like some towering Greek god and ... ahh ... perhaps I've lost focus for a second. What I meant to say is, I think the "James Earl Jones for CRISP Lady" idea is very intriguing and someone should really look into it.

- Paul Serilla can be reached over e-mail at pserilla@umich.edu

09-19-97