All-weather fan

Kristin Long Daily Arts Editor

The variability of Michigan weather has left me somewhat bewildered.

One week it's a snowstorm like one that occurs in the middle of a terrible winter. The next week, it's a beautiful summer-like day where almost everyone is outside in shorts and a T-shirt.

I am beginning to think that the state of Michigan lost a bet with Mother Nature at some point in time. Never in my life have I lived in an environment where the weather was so inconsistent that its inconsistency was the only predictable thing about it.

But amid my despair and despite my angst, I have found a friend. It's the light in my meterological darkness, the water in a water-forsaken desert, the sugar in my bitter tea. I've come to depend on it. Its name is The Weather Channel.

So you're probably thinking to yourself: This woman must be cuckoo. Well, maybe, but that's another issue.

I'm talking about the best and most comprehensive source of weather on earth. Its advertisements even claim, "The Weather Channel: No place on earth has better weather."

And how right they are. Every morning, I tune in to see what weather to expect from this strange place called Michigan, and usually, reality is close to The Weather Channel's meterologists' predictions. It's such a relief.

Maybe it's a little pathetic on my part to be such a weather fan. But I know there are others out there. Another advertisement assures us, "Weather fans, you're not alone." So I know there are others of you out there - somewhere ... maybe?

I have become quite dependent on this most up-to-the-minute medium for national and local weather. I am embarrassed to say - it's almost an obsession.

Each day, without fail, I turn on the TV between 7:30 and 9 a.m. to see the local forecast, every 10 minutes on the eights (sometimes they're late, so it runs on the nines and 10s, but no big deal).

I really don't care too much about the national details, but when the El Niño effects were hardcore in Florida, it was very convenient to know when I should check up on my grandma to make sure she was not washed away by the rain.

The "Local Forecast" segment is quite possibly the greatest asset of the network. I never realized how much I relied on it until last December when something went afoul.

During one of those sometimes-cold-sometimes-warm spells that for some reason are always happening around here, I was watching to see whether I should wear a heavy sweater or a light one, when all of a sudden, the screen was stuck on the current conditions.

See, the "Local Forecast" begins with current conditions, then it gives a detailed description of the morning, then precipitation in the area and finally, a forecast for the day. Sometimes, we get a three-day outlook, but it all depends on the timing.

Unfortunately, nothing was wrong with my TV. No, no. It was worse. They were having some sort of computer malfunction, and the remaining elements of the "Local Forecast" were abandoned.

So you can see how disturbing it was only to know what the conditions of that particular moment were, as opposed to knowing what I was to expect for the rest of the day.

I found myself somewhat annoyed. Not only because I didn't know the day's weather, but becuase I realized that I, me, moi, had become a "weather fan." Pathetic, yet again.

You may think, who cares about The Weather Channel anyway? Why not just turn on the local news and see what those weather people have to say? Or read the newspaper to check its forecasts?

That wouldn't be good enough. Local news broadcasts have to focus on other things, like who is killing who, sports news, entertainment news and the like. The Weather Channel is all weather, all the time - unless, of course, there is a computer malfunction. Then it's only some weather all the time.

Nothing beats the writing of The Weather Channel's forecasts either. Sometimes it's the standard partly-sunny or partly-cloudy business, but every once in a while, some wave of creative genius strolls along and informs us that clouds will be "invading" the skies this afternoon.

The "Local Forecast" incident made me really notice my bizarre habit. It's the way I start my mornings - every morning. While I am getting ready, I have the television tuned to channel 34, sometimes muted (the musical background leaves something to be desired), but nonetheless on my screen. I consider no alternatives.

I am not only enthralled by the weather, but by the advertisements and some of the on-camera meterologists.

There must be some aspiring comics in the marketing department who create their ad lines, but I have to give the network a bonus point for original advertisments.

The main promo is, "Weather fans, you're not alone" in which different situations dealing with weather occur at a bar called The Front. Catchy, isn't it?

While some of the commercials border on the cheesy and somewhat lame, each is creative and a lot better than most network promotions. After all, from a channel that is all weather, all the time, what can we expect?

At The Front, The Weather Channel is on all of the televisions throughout the establishment all of the time. One installment features two men with their faces painted like a warm front and a cold front, with blue and white or red and orange isotope lines detailing the pattern of the condition. They are called "big Weekend Outlook" fans.

The two wait in anticipation of the forecast, and then they cheer as if it were a touchdown or something. And one yells, "Who looks stupid now?" or some variation of it, even though they both look rather ridiculous.

I guess you have to see it for yourself. But still, it's a rather decent satire of weather fans.

The entire commericial series is quite inventive. In a way, it mocks all us weather fans out there, but in a lighthearted manner that at least makes me feel not quite as silly.

My boyfriend makes fun of me because every time he turns on the TV it's always set to channel 34. It's the first and last thing I watch in the morning, so come evening, what other channel is going to be on my TV?

We all have our "nerdy" yet intellectual tendencies. Some like to read a sophisticated newspaper every morning. Others like to read academic books about history and mathematics in their free time. Others need to watch their local or network news three, four or five times a day. You won't hear me giving you a hard time.

For me, it's just The Weather Channel. The meterologists are decent. Granted, I only see the morning crew, but as for Vivian, Marshall and Cleveland-is-the-greatest-place-on-earth-man Bruce, I have no complaints.

Weather fans, I know you're out there; don't be ashamed, you're not alone. Be embarrassed if you must, but at least you'll know when to carry an umbrella when all those others are caught in the rain. And then we'll see, who looks silly now?

- Kristin Long can be reached at klong@umich.edu

04-02-98