The rhyming machine

This city abounds with interesting individuals with special gifts or quirky talents. Looking for one? Just climb the steps of the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library and meet ...

"Master Dean, the rhyming machine worth all the green, worth every jelly bean, worth every green bean."

Yes, meet Dean Downie, a man with the talent of spinning countless rhymes from just one word. "I come up with them fast and quick," Downie said of his incredible capability.

Downie works in the Graduate Library mailroom. He has been working for the University for 30 years and said he likes his job more and more each day. "If I didn't like what I was doing, why would I be here?" Downie asked.

Downie, who began rhyming when he graduated from high school, said his job gives him the perfect opportunity to show off his knack. Cheering people up is one of his main goals in life, he said.

DANA LINNANE/Daily The Graduate Library's Dean Downie has a rhyme for every occasion.

"If faces look sad," he said, "the first thing I do is get them to smile. Or else walk a mile, walk down a street like a crocodile before they fall out of style and end up as bad as Captain Lyle and wonder which items are in the aisle."

To many listeners, Downie's rhymes may sound like a bunch of gibberish. But Downie insists they mean something: "Why would I say them if they didn't?"

Downie rhymes all day long. Some of his rhymes focus on particular groups, and he has advice for just about everyone:

"Alcoholics, the more they drink, the less they think. Don't know why they turn so pink because they can't give me half a wink and don't give themselves a blink because they stink and better off before they go down the sink and they won't have to have their heads shrink and wonder why they turn so pink and couldn't tell which was the best pen of ink."

To the smokers:

"The more they smoke, the more they're broke, taking chances having a stroke, wondering why they can't tell a joke because they couldn't even tell why they shouldn't have smoked. Besides, they shouldn't even have a Coke."

Downie said his rhymes have earned him dirty looks in the past. It seems some people are bothered and annoyed by his irksome cleverness. But Downie doesn't let them bother him. "I don't care who they are or what they do until they smile," he said.

Jeremy Schroeder, an LSA senior and graduate library employee said that Downie's rhymes are highly ingenious. Other co-workers, too, marvel at Downie's speed and ability. One worker commented on how the rhymes "kind of flow off of his tongue."

When asked if he's ever annoyed by these word-twisting tales, Schroeder responded with a smile. "Not at all," he said, "we welcome him with open arms."

Being around Downie certainly is an amusing experience. His comical rhymes have accompanying facial expressions. He speaks with utmost seriousness, but it is hard not to laugh.

"There's only one of you in the world, you wanna be chased by a squirrel or be a smart girl, spend all day having a chocolate swirl, spend all day having to worry about Captain Earl, wondering why you wouldn't give yourself a twirl, because you didn't know what was the best swirl, wondering why you got caught by a squirrel."

When asked if he would ever stop rhyming, Downie replied: "Never, ever, no way in the world!"

"Everyone has to have a rhyme," Downie said. "A rhyme will keep you out of crime, show you are worth a dime, not spending all day chewin' a lime, you can have more primetime."

04-09-98