Michigan better seen at Mall

JIM ROSE Rose Beef

MALL OF AMERICA, Minn. - First of all, Boss, I want you to sit down. Have a glass of water. Relax. I know you sent me to Minnesota to cover the Michigan basketball game. So that's exactly what I did. Tipoff to tipoff. Didn't miss a second. I just, uh, well, I never made it to Williams Arena.

You see, I've been inside the Mall of America since Friday afternoon.

And even if I could find my way out of this 78-acre modern miracle of tourist heaven, I have to admit - I'd rather be here than at the arena with the rest of the media. I didn't miss a thing.

I still saw the game from start to finish. I caught the first half in Planet Hollywood, then split the second half between Fat Tuesday and Hooters. It's amazing what kind of perspective you can gain by watching the game on television with friendly waitresses and delicious hot wings, as opposed to the below-court view all the other reporters suffered through on Saturday afternoon.

Trust me, I know what it's like. I saw them struggling from their overrated courtside seats, straining to see past the cheerleaders and referees. And those other sports writers would never admit it, but this is the truth: I don't need to be courtside in order to know that Michigan can't win if Louis Bullock scores five points in the game's first 37 minutes.

I don't need to be in the arena to know that the Wolverines can't come back from a 16-point deficit if they miss nine free throws in the second half.

And I certainly don't need to be there to know that if Minnesota makes 13 of its first 16 3-point attempts and scores 88 points, the Wolverines ain't gonna win. It's pretty simple.

I'd rather be in Lego Land, to be honest. It's four stories tall, made entirely out of Legos and inspires more looks of disbelief than Robert Traylor could muster on even his most foul-prone afternoon. And that's saying something.

I'd rather be at Camp Snoopy, which is more sophisticated than the Wolverines' stand-still offense will ever be.

I'd rather be riding the virtual reality Nascar Silicon Motor Speedway ride, which is far more in-your-face than Michigan's defense was on Saturday and almost as bumpy as the Wolverines' season has been. In fact, the only thing with more ups and downs than the Wolverines is the indoor Pepsi Ripsaw Roller Coaster. But it was closed.

So, I watched the game. I saw Maceo Baston try to pick up his shaken teammates and carry them by himself. I saw the box-and-one defense the Gophers used to frustrate Bullock all afternoon. I saw Travis Conlan score 12 points and get six assists.

I also saw him go 1-for-3 from the free throw line with the game hanging in the balance (he must have been thinking about all that great candy he was missing out on from Peppermint Patty's Sweet Shop). I saw it all, believe me.

So what if I saw it in between timeout trips to the Skyscraper Ferris Wheel and the Where's Woodstock Adventure Maze? I saw it just the same. You know why it doesn't matter, Boss?

Because I've seen it before.

I've already seen Michigan go on the road and lose to a less-talented, more-inspired team on national television. I've been there in person. Happens every couple weeks, as a matter of fact. They don't seem too worried about it. Why should I be?

There's this thing called the Big Ten tournament at the beginning of March - all the Wolverines were talking about it after the game. You see, the way it works is, you don't have to play that well during the regular season, because if you win the conference tournament, you get into the Big Dance anyway. It's like a safety net.

So, Boss, instead of watching Michigan's Big Ten chances drown inside Williams Arena, I decided I'd rather visit the 1.2-million gallon underwater aquarium.

I decided the Mall's 50-foot palm trees and 70-foot Paul Bunyan's Log Chute Water Ride were higher on my list of priorities than watching the Wolverines in person. And you know what? Staying at the Mall was the best decision I made all weekend.

I saw better basketball inside Kevin Garnett's store, anyway.

- Jim Rose can be reached via email at jwrose@umich.edu

02-09-98