'Fat Ladies' cook up tons of tasty fun

Imagine yourself 40 miles outside London on a brisk March dawn and a dark, amorphous form appears on the dawn horizon. You stare with curiosity into the still dim morning sun as the figure grows. The shadow soon divides itself into two distinct shapes riding on what seems to be a motorcycle with a side car.

"Perhaps it is the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder," you think to yourself. "Oh no! Maybe the Penguin and the Riddler are attempting the theft of Big Ben." But you soon realize that an inordinately large percentage of the sun is blotted out by this daring duo, ruling out the advent of Batman and Robin.

Courtesy of The Food Network Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Wright teach culinary skills in "Two Fat Ladies."

As the engine noise increases and the shapes take form, a feeling of pure rapture rises up inside. It's Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright, the Food Network's "Two Fat Ladies." Every Saturday through Tuesday, they scour the English countryside on their Triumph Thunderbird sampling the myriad gastronomical delights of Great Britain.

For me, the Food Network has always been the wasteland of cable television. Five years after buying my television, upon the discovery of the many magical workings of my remote control, the Food Network was the first to be removed from my list of personal channel favorites. I just hit the beautiful little "delete" button, and watched the Food Network quietly plummet into oblivion.

If not for the infinite genius of my roommate, the wonders of "Two Fat Ladies" might never have been revealed to me. Fortunately, soon after moving in, he revived the lost channel and opened my eyes to the joys of this little-known wonder. Now, I am a religious viewer, and my existence is greatly improved.

Simplicity and honesty are the pillars on which "Two Fat Ladies" is built. These are the themes of their program and the staples of their cooking. Paterson and Wright have chosen to create a cooking program free of the fetters of high-culture cuisine. They are fond of referring to themselves not as chefs, but as good old-fashioned cooks. Hearty nourishment is the ultimate goal of the "Two Fat Ladies" rather than the anemic works of art sported by the more affected shows.

But realize first of all that in their search for the culinary Holy Grail, Paterson and Wright, while leaving behind the confines of high-culture cooking, have also abandoned our current infatuation with no-fun, no-fat, low-taste, low-cholesterol diets. They see these attempts at health-conscious cooking as faddy and transient. Well, to each her own, right?

In an attempt to clarify the cooking philosophy of Paterson and Wright, I would like to summarize their logic in a short list of easy-to-remember guidelines.

First of all, in the land of "Two Fat Ladies," butter is king. Ask no questions of the almighty butter. Use it with reckless abandon. Only slightly lower on the ladder of lubricants is lard. If butter is unavailable (heaven forbid), melt some lard and use it.

Second, if all else fails, animal parts, animal parts, animal parts. Pig livers, horse hooves, chicken hearts. Believe it or not, stuffed cow kidneys are an entree in England, so if you're out of real meat, and you have some random organs sitting around, improvise. Third, vegetables are used as garnish only. If they must be used in any given recipe, make sure to pick them straight from the frozen British soil and add them sparingly. Every good Brit needs a hearty portion of protein every day, and vegetables are ornament only.

Finally, wrap all food in bacon - fruit, toast, orange juice, cereal, pickles, anything. Nothing brings out the natural vibrance of any given edible like bacon. Remember this above all else.

But don't take my word for it. Watch the show. Paterson and Wright espouse their culinary theories infinitely better than any uninformed layperson like myself. And they do so with a bland humor that is incredibly appropriate and absolutely hilarious.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Gosh, if I followed these handy guidelines for cooking, I think I'd have a cholesterol level of 700 and be as big as a Winnebago." Well, you probably would be. But it's not like our hostesses didn't tell you that already. The title, "Two Fat Ladies," isn't some wittily ironic joke. Paterson and Wright are completely honest. They are, well, fat. But they know it, and that's half the fun.

02-10-98