Skating on thin ice: the most intriguing people of 1998

With every new year arrives new events and celebrities striving to etch their names into the culture of popular Americana. Much to my surprise, just 46 days have passed in 1998 and we already have enough scandals and scoundrels to fill a book of the Bible - or a folk-rock song, for that matter.

Joshua Rich Trivial Pursuits

As I see it, if the world were to end this week, an unlikely trio would go down in the history books as the defining personalities of this, the second-to-last-year of the millennium. And, eerily, these folks are remarkably related:

Kaczynski.

Lewinsky.

Lipinski.

Indeed, I can't think of anyone more interesting who has made news this year - except for the unfortunate, late Karla Faye Tucker. But as we well know, executed-born-again-Christian-former-drug-addicted-Texas-capital-murderers are excluded from clubs like these. I'm not keen on offering such distinctions posthumously.

So take note, People magazine, the first three contenders for your "25 Most Intriguing People of 1998" are Theodore Kaczynski, the recently confessed Unabomber; Monica Lewinsky, the White House bombshell; and Tara Lipinski, who will be a total bomb if she doesn't win a medal in Nagano as everyone expects. Their collective celebrity is so huge that we have yet to hear a peep about U.S. Olympic curler Mike Peplinski.

Of course, if these names are too confusing, just think of them in terms of last year's most memorable folks: the Spice Girls. Hence, Psychotic Spice, Neurotic Spice and I-Hope-I-Don't-Trip-on-My-Toe-Pick Spice.

(But enough of the rhyming. For obvious reasons, I've never really enjoyed the old let's-be-clever-and-rhyme-your-last-name-with-something-funny game. I know people with names like "Hart," "Buck" and "Witt" can sympathize with me.)

Die-hard Olympics fan that I am, I've been intently watching the 1998 Winter Games in Nagano for the past week. I've suffered through CBS' abysmal, virtually all-tape-delayed coverage with the hope that I would get to see the namesake sport of our three notable people - skiing.

Unfortunately, the heralded men's downhill was repeatedly postponed because - get this - there was too much snow falling on the slopes. Similarly, Kaczynski's trial was regularly delayed as he wriggled his way out of an insanity defense, Lewinsky's testimony has been put off for nearly a month now, and Lipinski's performance at the Olympics won't take place until later this week. In the immortal words of Carly Simon, "An-ti-ci-pay-yay-tion is making me wait."

The comparisons don't stop there.

To be sure, Kaczynski's shocking plea bargain and confession were completely overshadowed by the Lewinsky scandal's repercussions that, in turn, have been ignored in light of the Winter Olympics and America's newest pint-sized darling.

Strangely, even though I feel I know our three celebrities like family, I've never heard the first two speak and I have yet to see the third actually do anything on Olympic ice. Still, young Tara is already pegged as this year's incarnation of Mary Lou Retton and Kerri Strug. (Which begs the pressing question: Why do we seem to have such an obsession with little girls in leotards? Maybe President Clinton can answer that one.)

Kaczynski, Lewinsky and Lipinski also share a Michigan connection, which means that they are closer-related to most Michigan Daily readers than Kevin Bacon is. Kaczynski, as many of us know, attended graduate school at the University; he lived in East Quad. Lipinski trains here in the Great Lakes state with fellow skater Todd Eldredge. Lewinsky was an intern in the White House, a building once occupied by a former Wolverine (who, after stumbling down the stairs of Air Force One and whatnot, also spent a lot of time on his knees, from what I understand).

Finally, we have the underpants link. Kaczynski tried to hang himself with his Jockeys (a task somehow more challenging than fashioning package bombs out of candlesticks and rat poison), Lewinsky undoubtedly encountered plenty of nether-region garments during her stay at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., and Lipinski's uniform consists of nothing less than gaudy, sequined Wonder Woman underoos - minus the bulletproof wristbands, of course.

To complete the get-up, I propose that Tara enter the Olympic skating arena in a supersonic invisible jet. Maybe then she'll have a chance against that pesky Michelle Kwan.

- Joshua Rich can be reached over e-mail at jmrich@umich.edu

02-16-98