'Seinfeld' comes to Ann Arbor - and brings its quirkiness along

Megan Schimpf Prescriptions

It's a little-known fact that when Jerry Seinfeld leaves television screens in May, he's moving to Ann Arbor. (He's heard there are plenty of other transplanted New Yorkers around.)

So fear no longer that you, who have faithfully watched and taped the show ever since you lost "Cheers" five years ago, will lose that Jerry-ness.

It'll be easy to spot Seinfeld - he'll be the one in the puffy shirt.

And while even Jerry might not be able to afford the rent for an Ann Arbor one-bedroom apartment of that size - hey, this isn't the Big Apple - there's one thing you can be sure of: It will be absolutely spotless and germ-free.

Until Kramer blows through the door, that is; although there's been no word yet on whether Kramer, George and Elaine will also be making the trip.

If they do, they too will feel plenty at home - stores are already stocking up on Jujyfruits and Junior Mints, perfect with a swig of Snapple.

And every stationery store in town is starting with a fresh collection of envelopes - no use taking any chances.

Local restaurants are hoping Elaine will enjoy a nice Chipati more than a big salad, but she's really looking for a Chinese restaurant that will actually deliver to her.

Zingerman's is warming up the marble rye recipe and Mrs. Peabody's is perfecting black and white cookies, and trying to stave off the muffin-top idea.

It will certainly be easier for "Seinfeld, party of four" to find a table in a restaurant in Ann Arbor. And the 10-cent bottle deposit is legal here.

But watch out - the bidding wars are on to be the next coffeeshop. The competition could get really ugly.

But when they do settle in, count on Jerry to find humor rooted in the little idiosyncrasies that an outsider will notice: a bell tower with no clock, 50-degree weather in January, and a basketball team that beat the No. 1 team in the country but lost to Eastern Michigan and Central Michigan, for starters.

Jerry has said he's a little concerned about one type of food - they're called the Bagel Nazis, and it won't be pretty. Could any of them measure up to New York standards?

But one thing he is sure of - with the liberal atmosphere on campus, he's sure to be able to start a student group dedicated to the winter holiday of his devotees. Look for Diag boards for SCOFUS - Students Celebrating On Festivus-for-the-rest-of-US.

Ann Arbor water has its own peculiarities, but low-flow shower heads shouldn't be too much of a problem - most rental units are too old. Jerry will be looking for landlords with multiple sets of keys, though, just in case whoever has his spare takes off for, say, California.

Expect to be able to purchase a male bra - yeah, yeah, you can call it the "bro" if you want - but beware the retro-style raincoats soon to appear in used clothing shops. They've been known to have moths.

Jerry is hoping that either the Michigan or the State theaters will show "Schindler's List" - he could finally see the end. It'll probably just be "The English Patient," though, and that could really set off Elaine.

On that topic, Seinfeld's been known to date younger women - but be on the lookout for "the switch" if you've got a roommate.

At least he's not with George. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Close talkers and low talkers need not apply. And we know it wasn't a pick, but it's better to just avoid that whole nasty situation.

You'll know how you stand if you peek at the speed-dial listing on the phone - the higher the number, the better you're doing. And guys, ask yourself this question: Are you sponge-worthy?

If it's cigars you desire, ask Kramer. Word on the streets has it that he's got the goods on getting Cubans in Michigan.

Maybe George will start a marine biology department - there's plenty of life in the Huron River that no one's identified yet.

Bizarro Manhattan? Not quite. With the move, though, Jerry will come out even-steven. For us, maybe the best way is to do the opposite: get out of the house.

Jerry's just really looking for a chance to relax, though. The time to produce, write and act in a weekly show, has caused him to miss all of '90s culture, he said recently.

How ironic for a man who has helped define part of modern popular society and added to our vocabulary.

Yada yada yada.

- Megan Schimpf can be reached over e-mail at mschimpf@umich.edu

01-08-98