Oily 'Phantoms' creates huge mess

REVIEW
	Phantoms Opens today at Showcase & State

Petroleum - is it really the innocuous substance that's been running our cars and buses or is it something much more devious, insinuating, and, dare I say, scary?

That's what Dean Koontz would have you believe in his latest novel-turned-movie, "Phantoms."

Two photogenic sisters return to the sleepy little burg of Snowfield for a month of relaxation and female bonding. Jenny (Joanna Going) has spirited away younger sister Lisa (Rose McGowan) from Los Angeles to a place where little sis' will finally be safe and free from their abusive/alcoholic mother (is there any other kind in Hollywood movies?).

But something is very wrong in town ... where have the people gone? The housekeeper is found dead in the kitchen with apple pie filling boiling on the stove. Equally dead are two bakers, decapitated heads ovenbaked to perfection and hands still left where they were once kneading the dough.

Sound scary? Ludicrous is more like it. The heads, hands and dead bodies all look like gag gifts for sophomoric pranks.

At this point, good-looking Sheriff Bryce (Ben Affleck) pops up to protect the quivering, fleshy females. What follows is the discovery of more dead bodies and odd occurrences, including an attack by an enraged killer butterfly.

"Phantoms"' Ben Affleck and Liev Schreiber should audition for "Fargo II."

Timothy Flyte (Peter O'Toole) enters the picture as the National Enquirer-type expert on strange disappearances. The impossible mission with which he is charged: pointing out the obvious. Why yes, there is a problem, something is happening, Flyte amazingly reveals.

An hour of the film passes by before we are introduced to the bad guy. It's not your typically monster or ghost from the past, though. It's oil with a God complex. That's right, the slick substance that dwells beneath our feet has the agenda from hell. It wants Flyte to spread the gospel about its godliness (what an ego!).

So what if it's all powerful, pipes in Sheriff Bryce, trying to cheer up the terrified troops. The pitchy petroleum's cockiness will play into the hands of the good guys, he suggests.

Almost every scene in this movie is without tension and so stupid that it makes one want to laugh.

Perhaps the only truly frightening scene occurs when Bryce is followed by a creepy canine. Staring ominously as Bryce transports the solution to the oil problem, the dog probably deserves the bone for having the most worthwhile part.

Another problem with the film is that it is shot with very little light. Take any scene in the movie and there will be a purposely dark part of the screen. What is supposed to come off as sinister instead shows ineptness, since no one knows what's happening.

For a sci-fi movie, the special effects are surprisingly ordinary. The oil often looks like a squid reject or a big blob.

In addition, the explanation for the disappearance is not exactly terrifying. There is no sense of evil to the oil. It could just as well be the stuff with which one makes salad dressing rather than a vile villain.

As a Hollywood action movie. "Phantoms" provides the audience with enough one-liners to sate the most insane movie watcher. For example, "It's the devil come out from hell tonight, he wants to dance with us."

Anyone looking for a carefully drawn character movie will be sorely disappointed. Yet even the typical horror fans will find "Phantoms" flaccid and vapid.

Who is to blame for this movie? Dean Koontz, himself. Seeking to improve his movie record, Koontz executive produced and wrote his latest film adaptation. The result: a disaster on the scale of the Exxon Valdez, with oil everywhere and no one to clean up the mess.

01-23-98