Old Spice? Girls overstay welcome with bland 'World'

I wanted to like "Spice World."

Don't get me wrong - by no stretch of the imagination am I a fan or follower of such superficial Girl Power.

At the same time, though, I am not ashamed to admit that "Wannabe" makes me want to carelessly dance and jump up and down on my mattress; "2 Become 1" always sends me into my own inspired for-my-ears-only car-ride rendition; and play "Say You'll Be There" or "Spice Up Your Life" and suddenly I'm the life of the party.

Sure, I don't really know their names - you know, Baby, Scary and the gang. To me, the Girls are one fuzzy blur of makeup, glitter, wild 'dos and obnoxious clothes. But still, the Spice Girls are OK.

Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell) doesn't liven up "Spice World."

Their feature film, "Spice World," on the other hand, is not.

Not that viewers should necessarily expect inspired performances and depth from the five girls whose frivolously happy tunes and corny nicknames suggest they have minimal artistic or musical capabilities.

But at the very least, "Spice World" had the potential to be fun. Maybe it could have worked as a clever spoof, with the Girls poking fun of their own characterizations and Richard E. Grant hilariously stressing out as uptight manager Clifford.

Maybe, although I am probably expecting too much, it could have been mildly educational.

Who are Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary and Sporty, really? How do they feel about their success, the recent backlash to which they've been subjected or the prediction that they are soon-to-be has-beens already? How do they feel about not having distinct voices? About the fact that they were thrown together by someone else's vision of a much-needed, successful British girl group? My list of questions goes on ...

"Spice World" does not deliver any of the answers, and instead delivers a paper-thin plot about the Spice Girls preparing for their first concert while they frolic and jiggle about in skimpy clothes and big shoes - educational only for those who want to know why the Girls made Mr. Blackwell's list of worst dressed performers.

In fact, I learned only two things from the film.

1. Sporty is Mel Chisholm; Baby is Emma Bunton; Scary is Mel Brown; Posh is Victoria Adams; and Ginger is Geri Halliwell.

Other than names, nothing else matters. In the film, the Girls play up their silly nicknames. In the midst of a rehearsal with dancing, near-naked men, Baby tells one stud about the multitude of stuffed animals covering her bed; in another scene, she sucks her lollipop, her limp, blond pigtails wisping in the breeze.

Designer-clothing obsessed Posh talks incessantly about her appearance for the entire film and the rest of the Prefab Five equally fulfill their names' expectations.

Yet at the beginning of "Spice World," Baby refers to the fact that fans only care what the Girls look like and says she wants them to know the real girls behind the success.

The film does absolutely no justice to this call. What "World" offers is spice without any flavor.

REVIEW
	Spice World 1 star At Briarwood and Showcase

2. Girl Power is for women who absolutely must go to the bathroom together in groups. Not that I felt inspired by the Girls' schtick before "World," but after seeing it, I am almost offended by their definition of power.

While practicing "Say You'll Be There," Ginger sports a skintight slipdress, the word "Mind Power" jutting from her chest and the female symbol attached to her rear end.

Near the end of the film, the Girls nearly miss the big performance to stay with their pregnant friend (Knocked-Up Spice, perhaps?) through labor. "Now that's Girl Power!" one explains, once the baby pops out. It doesn't even matter which one said it; such a useless, dumb comment could have come from any of the Girls' mouths.

Topped off with their silly adventures (If the Spice Girls can make a movie about their going on a pointless boating trip, why can't I film myself doing my homework or walking to class? - it would be just as engaging.) and their flat, one-dimensional fantasies, "Spice World" makes you want to cringe.

Not even cameos by Elton John, Elvis Costello and Roger Moore, whose role as chief of Spice fame is probably one of the film's only bright spots, make up for the bad.

Underneath it all, the Spice Girls are not all that interesting.

Take away their catchy singing and dancing and contagious vibe, and they're just the five lucky anybodies who responded to that call for a British girl group.

The makers of "Spice World" forgot a very important truth: Unless you are Jerry Seinfeld, you can't make something out of nothing.

01-26-98