Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's intern

James Miller Miller on Tap

If Watergate had a positive consequence, it was to show that Americans still have the capacity for moral outrage. The mental image of a trollish, hunchbacked Nixon running toward a waiting helicopter with dozens of torch-wielding "Frankenstein" extras behind him is a beautiful thing, and a good lesson for all those who have come to follow. Every once in a while in a democracy, it's a good thing to have the electorate rise up and give the realpolitik pimp-smack to a truly odious elected official. The underlying message being: "Don't jerk us around. We can fix your behind double quick if we want to. Watch yourself."

So you can imagine what a disappointing week this has been for me.

Nobody wanted to play my reindeer games, except other journalists; and believe me, other journalists usually are no fun at all.

All of the "outrage" about the alleged affair with former White House intern Ms. Lewinsky is taking place on the other side of the television screen - in the studios, not the living rooms.

I'll admit to a personal level of guilt here, in that I didn't give the "intern crisis" that much credence until every network and news artery jumped on the story as if it was about a half-wit, morally degenerate rich boy in a closed casket, ski poles akimbo.

Oops.

Pay attention, because this sort of thing almost never happens. The news media is right and the public is wrong. It's a rarity, I know. I'm as shocked as you are.

Our president is under very serious suspicion of committing a premeditated felony, that is to say it's possible that he perjured himself during the Paula Jones deposition. In most polls, the portion of people who think he lied, or at least screwed around, sometimes hovers near 70 percent.

The portion of people who believe that he should be impeached, even if more conclusive evidence is discovered, usually doesn't break 50 percent.

There's an element of basic civics here. Saying you don't think the president should be impeached if he's suspected of committing a felony is like saying you don't believe the sun is a ball of hot gases or you don't believe beer is made with hops.

It's a question of definitions. The Constitution tells us what is or is not an impeachable offense, not a damned opinion poll.

Oh, we're just all so jaded and cool, aren't we? The president may be a felon and an adulterer? Hmph, so? Everybody does it. Like, I'm so sure. Get with it, man. This is the '90s or like, something. Get with the irony, dude. It's not cool to have a spine and a conscience. It took the entire national news media hitting us for days on end with this story before we finally said, "Hey, something important seems to be going on here. Maybe I should drop my uber-hipster, post-O.J. morality and realize that there are some things that are still wrong and guilty people have to be tried and punished!"

Folks, all kidding and columnist hyperbole aside, if we lose the ability to be outraged that the president may have committed a jailable offense while in office, or at least the desire to find the truth and mete out just punishment if necessary, it's over.

The system has broken down beyond repair. There's no point in carrying on a democracy any more without these things. We might as well start shopping around for affordable juntas and working on our Canadian visas.

Our government depends on our officials being held as responsible for their actions as the rest of us. The worst part about all of this is that they know we don't care. That's why they win all the time. That's why Nixon didn't go to jail, Charles Keating wasn't hung by his own entrails, and Reagan won't be buried like the cruel, incompetent old butcher he was.

Because they know we don't care.

The president could spend the last 10 minutes of the State of the Union address getting a hummer from Roman Polansky, and in three days, our national memory will have covered the whole thing over with E! Model News and Leonard DiCaprio magazine covers. Or we'll just wait for Jay Leno and Craig Kilborn to make it all funny and vicious; as if penis jokes, subreferences and sarcasm will make us forget that our country is rotting from the inside out.

Anyone want to share a ride to the border?

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu

01-28-98