Rock stars can't rest in peace because the show must go on

Actually, I may have exaggerated a little - but I am sure by eight o'clock tonight, thousands of people from across Metro Detroit will be worked up into a near-religious frenzy. Obviously that description rules out Michigan basketball fans, so to what event of monstrous proportions am I referring?

Paul Serilla Serilla Warfare

Only one thing can possibly fill that description: "Elvis - The Concert." But surprisingly enough, despite an over 20-year absence from the concert stage, at press time, many good seats were still available for "Elvis - The Concert," tonight at the Palace of Auburn Hills. The logical thinker among us might stipulate that the reason tonight's performance is less than a sell-out is the King of Rock 'n' Roll's untimely demise upon his Graceland throne in August of '77. But apparently all it takes to conquer death these days is $17.50 per seat and a $3.75 service charge.

I know it sounds great, but I hear many of you saying, "I love Elvis, I really do, but frankly, I am a little squeamish and I am not sure I can handle over two hours of hits from a corpse, even in the comfort of a moderately sized, climate-controlled, multi-purpose event center."

Not to worry, the actual dead body of Elvis A. Presley will be nowhere on the premises. The show consists of the King's tour band, backup singers from the late '70s and footage of Elvis, edited from one of his later concert tours, beamed up on huge monitors around the arena. Through the miracle of modern recording science, Elvis's vocal performance has been isolated and his band performs "live" with the King belting out the songs that made him a legend. Apparently, the managers of the Presley estate figured if John Wayne can endorse beer and Fred Astaire can dance with a vacuum, they could put the King on tour.

Of course, he's not the first dead celebrity to launch a major tour of the United States; I mean, the Stones have been dragging the body formerly known as Keith Richards around for years. Since last summer, the infamously dead Biggie Smalls (aka Notorious B.I.G.) has lent his lengthy coattails to the ever-industrious Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs. Not only has Puff Daddy prostituted the image of the Skipper to his diminutive Gilligan in tributes, remixes, videos and previously unreleased tracks, but he has also taken the Biggie on tour. It really is "all about the Benjamins, baby."

Through the magic of the isolated track, audiences across the nation are still treated to Biggie rapping from TV monitors with marbles in his mouth while accompanied by Puffy rapping as slowly as possible. Add a few dancing girls, some fireworks and every gold-record act Puffy has ever produced, and you really don't even notice that B.I.G. is DOA.

The next logical question: What dead musical acts should go on tour next? First up, I think Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra should get together one last time before the Chairman of the Board joins his compatriots at that big casino in the sky. I mean, don't you miss the way Dean would be too drunk to sing or the way Frank would make inappropriate ethnic slurs about Sammy's African American and Jewish heritage? As long as they use footage of Sammy hiding his glass eye in Frank's scotch and water. I think it will be the biggest smash since they all stared in "Ocean's 11."

Another suggestion I'd like to throw out is "Walt Disney's Disembodied Frozen Head on Ice." Much like the popular Disney skating tours, "Cinderella" and "The Little Mermaid on Ice," this tour would feature skaters dressed up like popular Disney characters skating around to popular Disney songs while kids bug their parents to purchase popular Disney souvenirs. Basically, it's like going to Disney World except it's cold, there are no rides, and you might have 50 cents left in your pocket when you head home.

I really think that this could be a good experience for the whole family, as the ice skating characters could tell the story of cryogenics and how Disney went from entertainment mogul to a Waltcicle. Not to mention that previously, the only people who saw Walt's disembodied frozen head were Disney employees at their brainwashing, um, training seminars.

Technology has made it a great time to be alive. Heck it's made it a great time to be dead - you never know what lies around the next corner. But if you were a rock star, would you really want to spend eternity yelling, "Good evening Cleveland, we're gonna rock ya!"? I guess death could have a downside for celebrities, too.

- Paul Serilla can be reached over e-mail at pserilla@umich.edu

03-13-98