Shirt-tags provide life's greatest, subtle lessons

I celebrated my father's birthday last week, with the required cake, ice cream and presents. I wanted to get him a gift he could use, so I bought him a shirt made by famous designer Tommy Hilfiger.

My father likes to dress well, as do I, and the present is something he can wear to work or out to dinner. The shirt has a nice pattern and a good cut, and I own a few shirts of this type myself. But I must confess I got a good laugh out of one of the shirt's tags. It discusses the type of material, and carries this disclaimer: "Subtle variations in shade and texture are inherent characteristics of power-loomed fabric and enhance the natural beauty of the garment."

Nothing against Hilfiger - I like the clothes - but this is just too great a scam. Basically, if you find a flaw, consider it vital to the integrity of the clothing. I wish I could apply little tags like this to my everyday life.

For example, when taking final exams a few weeks ago, how wonderful it would have been to put a little note at the top of each one. I can see it now: "Subtle variations in the correctness of my answers are inherent characteristics of my test-taking ability and enhance the natural beauty of the exam."

David Wallace Catcher in the Wry

Of course, upon reading this disclaimer my professors would award me an A. He or she would recognize that the presence of a few botched questions contribute to the rugged good looks of a true college final exam. Had the test been perfect, it would have had an artificial quality that betrayed the contrast in the instructor-student relationship.

I'd like to put another such disclaimer on the back of my car. A lot of people could make use of this one. I think a good tag would be: "Large incongruities between the speed of my car and the posted speed limit are a distinctive part of my driving style and contribute to the overall enjoyment of the driving experience." I doubt that police officers have ever considered this when pulling someone over. But it's true. Driving at or under the speed limit is what everyone is supposed to do. Those people who surpass the limits placed on society are the real innovators, and, while persecuted in their own time, are often recognized as true geniuses in the annals of history. Never thought you might be the Van Gogh of M-14, did you?

I should market the idea. Sports franchises would line up for such tags. The Detroit Tigers would love to have something along the lines of, "Variations between our record and that of .500 ball are inherent, historical characteristics of this team, and enhance the natural beauty of our futility." In one short sentence, the team is catapulted from the status of early season disappointment to that of lovable loser like the 1962 New York Mets. Say goodbye to intense scrutiny, and hello to campy adoration for those Clumsy Cats at the corner of Michigan and Trumbull.

The truth is, life is so full of such little imperfections that virtually everything needs to carry a little tag on it. But it's these little blemishes that make life interesting. I salute you, Tommy Hilfiger, and your inability to keep your stripes straight or whatever it is you're worried about. It's what makes you you. So in closing, I'd like to state that variations in the hilarity of my column are inherent characteristics of my prose and enhance the natural beauty of my writing.

- E-mail David Wallace at davidmw@umich.edu.

05-11-98