Late night infomercials do battle for naive viewers

Both promise their potential customers ludicrous results in the format of a one-on-one talk show. Strangely, the same "host" appears in each commercial (perhaps a sort of Vince McMahon, controlling the operation even though you believe he's nothing more than a talking head). This host interviews the purveyor of each method, who gives a demonstration of the amazing things you can do if you send in some money right now. Mega Reading takes a science textbook and reads it on the air in about 45 seconds, flipping through pages like the robot in "Short Circuit" (yeah, remember that?).

David Wallace Catcher in the Wry

Flip the channel over to Mega Math, and he's adding up four-digit numbers faster than the chronically slow-fingered host can with a calculator. Like Mega Reading, Mega Math says that all you have to do is buy his book to learn the method.

With names like Mega Math and Mega Reading, and given their amazing displays of skill, these guys have got to be superheroes. After watching these commercials a few times, I am pretty sure that Mega Reading appears agitated. Clearly, he was here first and Mega Math has been trying to usurp his late night power.

The origins of these two superheroes are shrouded in mystery, but I feel I have unlocked the secrets of the men behind the books. Years ago, Mega Math and Mega Reading went to the same high school. Mega Math was a sort of Mega Fonze, impressing all the chicks with his math prowess. Being the big man on campus, he often beat up the not-yet Mega Reading and took his lunch money. Mega Reading was left to eat stale chicken nuggets and read sci-fi books at a table all by himself in the cafeteria. Reading the books, the young teenager soon found that he could read them at nearly twice the rate of a normal student, and he continued to get faster until he became Mega Reading.

Sadly, rather than use his powers for good, Mega Reading decided to market them. As soon as his old nemesis Mega Math got wind of this, he challenged him in capitalistic warfare. I am disappointed that these two men could not take their cues from other superheroes. You would never catch Batman on QVC trying to sell batarangs for $19.95.

The other critical mistake made by Mega Reading is that he did not trademark any name composed of the word "mega" and an academic subject. I am sure Mega Chemistry, Mega Home Economics and Mega Astrophysics are already on the way. Who knows what tragedy awaits the ill-informed Mega Chemistry student?

Mega Math and Mega Reading exemplify the impatience inherent in our society. Americans love absurd gimmicks that advertise immediate results. Even though such claims are not realistic, people buy into the slim chance that they work. While believing in sweeping solutions to problems is the first step in solving them, overlooking the required effort only puts solutions further out of reach. Infomercials are the snake oil of the 1990s, and they show us how far we haven't come.

- David Wallace can be reached into the early morning hours at davidmw@umich.edu.

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