Conversations with the supplicants

OK. I can accept that.

But why stop at the president? There are lots of other sinners out there.

Why reserve the holy fire for him? We all see things everyday that deserve apologies; from your housemate drinking your milk, to the guy who stole your bike to the girl who stood you up. On a more pervasive and national level, there are a few apologies that, personally, I'd like to hear.

n From a fashion executive to the 15-30 year old population of the United States:

Dear sirs and madams,

"I would like to extend my most sincere apologies to all of you, for making some of you vapid, shallow, superficial and worthless. I realize that we raised you, but we took advantage of that position of power. In reality, the best thing to do with your formative years is not copying Rachel's hairstyle. We also apologize for creating E!, wasting hours of broadcasting time on programming like "What Hollywood's Hottest Stars Wore to the Oscars." We know that no one cares about Mickey Rourke's latest black ensemble, with his not-nominated ass.

"Further, we would like to apologize for "the skinny girl ideal." Calista Flockhart, Courtney Cox and every supermodel since Cheryl Tiegs are ugly, unhealthy pieces of vermicelli. Men don't like girls who look like refugees. Have a sandwich. We promise it will be OK. Thank you."

n From the Phone Company to phone users:

Dear Loyal Customers,

"In the Bible days, people like us were considered so vile and rapacious even Christ took a swing at us. With regret, we confess that we are still at it. It doesn't really cost anything to have a phone "hooked up" at a new address. Nor is there any such thing as "miscellaneous charges" or "local adjusted fees" or "fees locally adjusted" or "the fee for local adjustments." We overcharge all of you and make stuff up because we like money, have no moral center, and were probably toilet-trained too early. In the future, we will charge only what our services are worth, and may He have greater mercy on us than before.

"We would also like to admit that we are the same people that sell textbooks and rent campus housing. We are also are in charge of the parking system in the greater Ann Arbor area. We ensure that there are four or five spaces for public use, that UM parking fines are 10 times the city fees and that there are never enough cops, but there are enough meter maids to retake Omaha Beach. These are enterprises that run in a similarly evil fashion, and we charge whatever we think we can get away with.

"Please have mercy on us. God will not."

n From fleece-wrapped, vaguely stubbly meatheads to Real Men for giving us bad images:

Dear Brothers,

"We have done all of us great disservice. Every time a woman says 'Men are such assholes!' or complains about forgetting birthdays, Valentine's Days, neglecting them and generally behaving poorly, the fault is squarely ours.

We are the ones who have to concentrate really hard not to say things like 'Dat bitch better give that shit up!' We acknowledge that we are not Real Men or even actual males, but rather some kind of penis-toting mutant. We are the reason that people in our time find words like nobility and manners quaint. We have no business talking to women at all, and will be content, for the rest of our lives, to stay at home listening to Puffy and tugging on ourselves."

n From N-Synch, the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys to Berry Gordy, the Temptations, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Gladys Knight and the estate of Marvin Gaye:

"Dear esteemed legends,

We are less than nothing before you. We took a poll and none of us could hit a note with a sledgehammer and a bench vise. We recognize that you are artists of taste, style and originality and we are meat, hired to fill a tight pair of pants. We would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of you for taking the beautiful pop culture and R&B tradition you spent years crafting and turning it into a mating ritual for pre-adolescents. We hereby announce our collective retirement and promise our only contribution to world of recorded music will be commercial jingles and Planet Hollywood openings, which are squarely in our talent range."

- James Miller can be reached over

e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu.

James Miller Miller

on Tap

PERSONNAME COLUMNNAME

11-04-98