Are you a 'hot prospect?'

There are certain things in American life that we treat as cultural currency. That is to say, things we're so familiar with, that are so common to all of us, that everybody uses them with varying degrees of fluency. Books of green stamps at the grocery store used to be like this. Jukebox records too. For people of our time, we have big wheels, braces, Mr. Rogers and piano lessons.

There are ones that are a bit more risqué, even sinister. Sneaking beer at a high school party, for example. The discrete on-the-way-to-school cigarette in your "thanks mom and dad" junior year car.

On the sexual side of things - I won't get into a lot of the interesting stuff because my parents read this every week. So I'll stick to things that I haven't done.

The quizzes in the back of Cosmo. It could be any magazine for young ladies, really. "Rice Cake Quarterly" "The Bra Stuffer" or "WHEN!? GOD, WHEN!?" are all big sellers, as is "Safe Male Fantasy Magazine."

Guys don't realize that a very high percentage of the with-it, mature, collected, self-possessed college coed females we know and love used to be blushing adolescents who read "Seventeen" and "YM" with zeal and enthusiasm. Yes, even girls with planners and coffee mugs once cared way too much about articles like "Ten Tips for Terrific Lashes."

We see this in daily life more often than we think; the ravages of the Cosmo quizzes, I mean. If you haven't spent your hideous formative years pouring over multiple choice tests that determine everything from your "impulsiveness rating" to the infamous "Are you two compatible?" you just can't understand the horror.

Fortunately I'm here to help. For us guys who have never had the pleasure of being scrutinized, prodded and pinched by the popular media, grab a pen, a pint of Ben & Jerry's (whatever flavor is your fav), put on that facial mask and take this short quiz: Are you a hot prospect?

1) The hottest girl from my discussion section asks me to a party she and her housemates are having. She tells me "Oh, it's kind of formal - wear something nice." This means:

a. blazer or a suit, maybe without a tie

b. polo shirt or sweater with a collar underneath

c. turning the Blues Traveler shirt inside out

2) Girls like to be treated with respect, like they're special. To make an impression on the lady at the above-mentioned party, I:

a. compliment her on her dress/makeup/hair

b. wait until she's not looking when leering at her friends

c. don't spill anything on her.

3) The general condition of my house or apartment is:

a. a little messy toward the end of the week, but we run a tight ship

b. usually a good-natured mess, but hey, it's college

c. on a good breezy day, you can't smell all the stains, especially on the couch cushion we flipped over

4) I finally have her alone in my bedroom, I walk over to the stereo and put on:

a. Sam Cooke

b. Sammy Hagar

c. Sam Kinison

5) My favorite author:

a. William Shakespeare

b. William Styron

c. William Shatner

6) I address my ex-girlfriends by:

a. first name, with a smile

b. "Satan"

c. restraining order

7) Which of these statements most accurately describes my attitude toward sex?

a. the physical expression of love

b. the blessed union of souls

c. what to do when you've run out of things to talk about

8) SportsCenter is:

a. a funny show with great highlights

b. an institution

c. the blessed union of souls

9) A man is a homosexual if he:

a. has sex with other men

b. wants to have sex with other men

c. likes movies with plots and acting

Unlike Cosmo, we like to be fair and realistic when scoring our quizzes.

Give yourself five points for every "a" answer, two points for every "b" and one point for every "c." Then subtract 45 points for taking a magazine quiz and bothering to keep track of the points. Join us next week for "Are you a sucker with too much spare time and low self-esteem?"

- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu

James Miller Miller

on Tap

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11-11-98