This semester's special guest lecturer will be Maureen Hartford, giving a speech entitled "I'm way smarter than your parents. Put that stick down, you'll poke someone's eye out."
211. Cosmetology. (4) (NS)
Lee Bollinger's Hair. What is Lee Bollinger's hair? Is it merely, as some have suggested, a loose collection of protein-based strands with follicle roots, or is it more? What is the magic of his hair? How does it make us feel so good? We will learn two interpretive modes in approaching the Hair: The moppish Beatles perspective and the raffish, Kennedy-esque perspective. Students will learn to apply both modes to come up with a complete and balanced picture of this important hair formation. The $100 lab fee will cover a practice barber dummy and some of that blue stuff you put your combs in.
100. Freshman Studies. (4) (grad. req.) Section 001, It's Not Your Fault. This class will teach first-year students the importance of avoiding blame and personal responsibility. We will introduce students to such convenient scapegoats as alcohol, bad parenting and academic stress.
Section 002, Lying to Girls. Can you cry on cue? Have you mastered the art of putting jazz songs you've never heard before on mix tapes for the purposes of getting laid? Can you pretend to like Tori Amos for at least a half an hour? We can help you. The freshman girl is a notoriously simple animal. Students in this course will learn the basic principles of creating fake emotional conversations, writing trite love letters with REM quotes and making bland, mousey, brown-haired chicks feel special.
Section 003, Lying to Guys. The guys are even simpler animals. This class will meet for a half hour every other week. Students will receive practicum experience in The Faint Promise of Petting as a Bargaining Technique, Accumulating Free Drinks Through Cleavage and the world-famous "Oh, You're So Mean To Me" routine.
389. WASP Studies. (3) (HU) Intro to WASP culture. WASP culture is the invisible adhesive that holds our nation together. We will formulate a picture of WASP culture that explains clapping on 1 and 3 as well as the "casserole phenomenon." We will explore the reasons why every incoming freshman is named Josh, Matt, Dave, Mike, Steve, Andy, Sarah, Anne, Kristen or Amy. We will also look at such classic works of WASP culture as the Carpenters' Greatest Hits, "Sleepless in Seattle," the whiskey sour and the collected works of the Oprah Winfrey Book Club.
125. Social Theory. (3) (SS)
Protest and Dissatisfaction as a Career. In the old days, protest and social reform movements were designed to be about positive social change. In our time, we have moved beyond this point to where people pick and choose the elements of their social consciences by what makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside. The role of the Professionally Angry Advocate is a growing in our society. Parents too rich or white for you to be automatically cool? Be a Marxist. Sexual issues? Consider campus feminism.
Students will learn to blow things out of proportion, misuse statistics, believe their own genius and rectitude, and say things like "The movement to redistribute the wealth of the Man to the oppressed masses begins at the most expensive public university in the country."
412. Political Science. (4) (excl.)
Being a Young Conservative. Students enrolled in this course must be enrolled concurrently with Constipation 215. The teenage and college years are often carefree, relaxed and fun. By learning to be a Conservative, you can avoid this. We will be working from the classic text "Mistaking an Irritating Personality for Original Thinking." From this text, we will examine the strategies of Using Examples of Fat Homeless People You've Seen to Explain Why There's No Poverty, Misquoting everybody and Elementary Reagan Worship.
We will also learn to say the following things with a straight face: "Get out of that wheelchair and get a job!," "The Michigan Review is a relevant, balanced paper that at least 10 or 12 people read." and "Now, not that I have anything against black people ..."
115. Psychology. (4) (SS)
Being a Psych Major. Like, no way. Oh my God! Really? Those look totally cute on you. You should get them. Think everyone is going over to Josh's house then to the bar? I know. It's like so crazy. Do you want a smoothie? I want a smoothie.
- James Miller can be reached over e-mail at jamespm@umich.edu
James Miller
on Tap
11-25-98
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